Signs of the Times

In this installment, I bring you a collection of some of the finest signage I have found around Taiwan. Complete, of course, with my ever insidious commentary. This photo was taken while hiking in Yangmingshan National Park. Unfortunately, our bovine aspirations were thwarted as no young heifers came our way that day.
This photo was taken in Yangmingshan National Park as well. Clearly I enjoy living on the edge.

Caution: Riding on the Maokong Gondola may cause snot to come out of your nose involuntarily.
Oh thank God, I have been holding it for so long!

This photo was taken at the school where I teach. We are trying a new tactic- instill the holy fear of English into them!

No running on water! This photo was taken in Gendalough, outside of Dublin Ireland. I know it's not in Taiwan, but I had to include it.

From your lost in body but not in soul comrade in Asia, Michael.

A City under Siege

It was 4:30 PM on Friday evening. An urgent letter was sent out by the Head Office to all the schools- Classes tonight and tomorrow will be canceled due to the impending typhoon. Typhoons are hurricanes in Southeast Asia, making their equivalent of a snow day, you guessed it, a typhoon day. With winds estimated to be as fast as 100 mph, and a square mileage exceeding the size of this country by two or three times, we were in for one big typhoon.

So, as any foreigners would do in their first typhoon, we all gathered together to put back a few beers and watch the show together! 9:00 PM and we had gathered nicely with our crew. 10 PM came and went without a sign of rain. So, we kept on drinking. 11 PM came along, and while the ground was dry outside, the same could not be said for us. We kept waiting for the storm, but the storm never came. And as we waited, we drank more, and as we drank more, we became more impatient for the storm. Finally, about 2 AM, still no sign of the storm, we had drunk all our beer and began to notice a slight discomfort in our stomach region. Clearly, we were hungry. It was 2 AM on the eve of a typhoon and we needed nourishment. What would be open? Suddenly, an idea flashed before our eyes. We looked each other over, and with a smile, we knew the only solution would be bagels and breakfast sandwiches from our 24 hour bagel store (which has already provided us plenty of late night/early morning snacks before). We called ahead and with luck, they were open. Bravery feeds the brave. We piled into a cab and arrived at the late night delicatessen over joyed to see its bright lights and packed booths. We ordered our fair share of bagels and cheesy fries and toasted to the typhoon, if it should actually decide to show up.

The next morning, yes, it did decide to show up by the way. With pounding rain and hustling wind, this city of mine went through one good beating! So in case you should ever find yourself in a similar situation, here are five simple rules on how to survive a typhoon. Survivor man, style, never Bear Grylls.

1. Don't bring an umbrella. The rain comes at you from all four directions so please give up on staying dry.




2. Watch for falling palm trees. The leaves may give you a paper cut.




3. Stay inside and drink lots of beer. Eat lots of food. Watch lots of movies. Sleep. Repeat.




4. Do not go on top of your apartment's roof because you will probably be blown over the side. Trust me on this one, I speak from experience.




5. Nothing is open except for 7/11, McDonald's (and similar fast food varieties), Cafes, and random dumpling stores. There are only two buses running in the city, but the MRT is good to go. But that is underground, which, I suppose, is cheating.

May these guidelines protect you in your darkest hour and move you subtly to a higher, more euphoric state. So with that, I bid you a most pleasant farewell from your soaking wet and typhoon 2007 survivor from a blown around and battered little island in the Pacific, Michael.

And by the way, my friend's apartment, at which I stayed during the pre-hours of the typhoon, had bits of his roof blown away. My apartment, however, survived the storm unscathed.

Adventures in Teaching

My students think I am many things; a jack of all trades. This week, I am a wizard. Last week, I was a giant green dragon. Next week, hopefully something in human form.

The wizard thing came about pretty naturally. To divide up the class, I decided to have students pick a card from a deck. When everyone was in their respective groups, I took one of the cards and made it vanish into thin air. Not believing one of their English teachers could actually do something cool, they asked to see it again. I performed the slight of hand a second time, and wowed their socks off. Note- although I do like magic tricks, most of these tricks and cards controls were used to cheat at poker. Who wants to play?

Naturally, they wanted to see some other tricks of the trade (pun intended), so I whipped out some pretty nifty card control stunts and impressed them. How did I do it? Not a single one could figure it out. Supernatural powers was the only logical solution. I showed them some cool bar tricks, that they can use when they are older, like vanishing a coin and stuff like that. I'll save the suckers' bets for the adults. When the break was over, and the cards had to go away, the students still wanted to play. So I said, "I have a game! It's called 52-Pick Up. Who wants to play?" Nearly all the hands went up.

I gathered them into a circle and told them that now that they were in the circle they had to play. They agreed. So I threw the cards on the floor and said, "OK, pick them up!" They raced to the floor and started collecting them. One by one, little lights started to turn on and I could here them say, "Oh, wait. 52 cards. 52 pick up. I'm just picking them up."

At which point they realized I had played a joke on them (I play a lot of jokes on them) and they handed me the cards before going back to their seats. Everyone seemed to get it, except one student, who handed me the cards and yelled, with a big grin on his face, "Again! Again! Let's play again." I'm sorry, if I had played again, that would have just been cruel.

Although, don't worry, they get me too. Addendum to the on-going egg joke from a previous post. Apparently, "egg" in Mandarin means balls (as in testicles). So when they got me to change the game of "Simon Says" to "Elephant Egg" says, little did I know that I was saying "Elephant balls" again and again and again. Sorry for the crudeness.

And last, about that dragon. Apparently, some of my students think that I have the same voice as a green dragon named Leo in one of our text books. They think he's inside of me, although I assure them that no, there is definitely no fictional green dragon named Leo hibernating in my innards.

So until next time, from you "I can dish it out but can't take it" jester and card jockey a la Taiwanese, Michael.

Bon Appetit

Tired of eating the same old thing again and again? Concerned that those Twinkies you're eating are made out of something that could withstand a nuclear blast? Dissatisfied with loads of dishes to wash? Try some of these tasty dishes I stumbled upon during my travels this past week.

If being at the top of the food chain excites you more than it should, might I suggest some snake? There are several options as to its preparation. If variety is the spice of life, then "hot" is the spice of snake. (Does that even make any sense?) To send your tongue salsa dancing south of the equator, I suggest a healthy dosage of "Fire Snake." Fried up bits of snake encased in dozens of spices and sauce is cut up into tiny pieces, perfect for the chopstick loving individual. Spices not your thing? Want to stay a bit more American? Then why not try "Barbecued Snake"? With the meat still encased on the ribs, this slab of snake is barbecued on the grill before smothered in finger lickin' good BBQ sauce. Snake goes best with a great bottle of Taiwan beer. Located in the heart of snake alley, this destination is the perfect location for a first date.

Want to brave the ocean air? Mist in the face? Wind in the hair? Then take a short bus ride over to Keelung and there you can find their famous Boiled Squid Soup. I was lucky enough to have a couple next to me at a restaurant to recommend the soup. Being one for good dining suggestions, I ordered it. Sure it smelled a bit fishy, and of course it had white stuff in it that looked like fish, but oh no, it's not fish. When the boiled purple tentacles are swishing their way down the back of your throat, you know for sure this can't be anything else but good old squid.

Want to head back to land? All right. This last one is sure to get your mouth watering or I'm not a food critic. In Taipei, in the heart of Gonguan Night Market, a street vendor comes out to sell his foods. Innocent looking of course, since it has the symbol for rice on it. But alas, there is no rice to be seen (or what one considers rice normally looks like). Rather, this man takes out a black chunk of something on a stick, dips it in sauce, crunched peanuts, and dashes a bit of cilantro over the top. When you bite in, its delicious flavor deceives you and you nearly forget your eating a rice cake soaked in pig's blood. Yummy!

So next time the gang's all here, remember there are some alternative cooking ideas out there that will have your guests talking for months on end. So until next time, from your stomach torturing, tongue tasting culinaire magnifique of the fine Bistros in Taipei, Michael.

Exporting America

Well, I have started; I officially have my first class of young Taiwanese students all to myself. I finally get to say all those things I have ever wanted to say like, "The bell doesn't excuse you, I excuse you," and "Johnny, please stop eating the paste," and "This is not a democracy people, I am the teacher." Such joy this power brings to me.

I am working in a neighborhood called Dong Hu, which is in the ritzy, northern section of Taipei. Instead of a McDonald's, they have a McCafe that serves gourmet sandwiches and caffe lattes. I think that level of pretentiousness indicates what kind of place this is, and how well I fit in. The school itself is called Dong Hu school. The name is not remarkably creative, but then again, the Taiwanese were never known for their creativity. For instance, their national beer is called "Taiwan Beer". I would like to have been in the room with the clever chaps who thought up that name.

My first day was a delight. I began with a private lesson with a student named Richard who is beyond brilliant. His English is marvelous and his attitude- remarkable. He is a delight to teach. I then teach a two hour advanced reading class in the afternoon. For some reason, these students think "eggs" are really funny, so I try to incorporate eggs into every class. Sometimes I laugh along with them, but most of the time I am laughing at them.

New topic, slightly linked: the receptionists are hitting on me. After my first day of work, I went down to the front desk where another teacher was talking to the receptionists. When I arrived, one of the receptionists turned to me and inquired, "May I ask you a personal question?"

"Well, that depends on how personal," I replied.

"Do you have a girlfriend? Because he (she points to the other teacher) thinks he is the only guy here who doesn't have a girlfriend." Oh, that was really smooth. But I played along, and told them that no, I didn't have a girlfriend. "Oh good," she said,"umm, for him. Good for him so that he knows he isn't the only one without a girlfriend. That is, if you are telling the truth." I assured them it was, and with that, I left with my TA who gave me a scooter ride home.

Saying what is on their mind seems to be a cultural phenomenon with which the Taiwanese are comfortable. For instance, I had to cover a teacher at the school at which I had training. When I arrived, I saw one of the TA's I met during training and had befriended. We were in the middle of catching up about my last month's adventures when, suddenly, she remarked, "Wow, you lost a lot of weight."

"Oh, um thank you." I answered.

"No really, I mean when you first got here, you were a lot bigger, now you are much much thinner."

"Well, I did just join a gym this week..."

"No, you lost more than someone can lose in a week, I mean you got much thinner." She said.

"Umm, well, I walk a lot of places, and usually get lost, and then walk some more..."

"No, I mean you were like a balloon and now you're all deflated!"

"Ok, I get it!" I said, "I was fat! I'm not fat anymore! Deflated balloon, thin, right, got it!"

God bless the Taiwanese. But I can't blame her, because she is a great person and a great friend, and those conversations make this whole experience worth it!

Teaching is a wonderful and noble profession. Although I am exhausted by the end of the day, I fall asleep with the satisfaction and gratitude that I am affecting positive and creative change in this world. Knowing that I am imparting life-long skills that will help these young tykes succeed in life reaffirms my purpose on this island. So apart from the exotic island adventures and wild nights in the city, I am reminded daily in the classroom that I am doing the right thing in the right place. And, not for nothing, I also look at this experience as an insurance policy against a midlife crisis. No regrets here.

So until next time, from your scholarly academic and highly regarded professor of English in and around the classrooms of Dong Hu, Michael.