The Christmas Spirit

I am about to embark on my first Christmas away from friends and family. Aside from the occasional homesickness, I am reminded this holiday season of all the things I am thankful for in Taiwan. So, without further ado, I present my holiday list of that which I am thankful for:

1) I am thankful for our pirated HBO cable box left by our apartment's previous tenants. We don't know how it's paid for, but the movie channels are there!

2) I am thankful for the restaurants that give me English menus.

3) I am thankful for my health and happiness and blah blah blah...

4) I am thankful for the donut man that works near my school.

5) I am thankful for my classes, and the great amount of... money... they provide me.

6) I am thankful for Bus 278 and 284, both of which take me from my house to my school without a transfer.

7) I am especially thankful for the last entry when I am particularly lazy.

8) I am thankful for bottled water and free public restrooms (nasty dig on France).

9) I am thankful for caller ID, so I can screen my calls.

10) I am thankful for poutine, and its surprising popularity in Taiwan.

12) I am thankful for the number eleven.

13) I am thankful for sub tropical climates where there is no snow that must be shoveled.

This holiday season has been particularly memorable. Much change has taken place in my life- some for good, some for bad- and it is nice to know that there are people around me here and on the other side of the world that care enough to send me letters, packages, e-mails, and many other forms of communication that brighten my day. With that, I would like to conclude with an anecdote from one of my classes.

How I hated Christmas! The whole Christmas season!

Now please don’t ask why, no one quite knows the reason.

It could be my marker cap wasn’t screwed on quite right.

It could be, perhaps, that my grades were too light!

But I think that the most likely reason of all

May have been that my heart was two sizes too small.

But,

Whatever the reason,

My heart or my grades,

I stood there on Christmas Eve (week), hating the Taiwanaise!

Staring down at the children with a sour, teacher frown

At the warm lighted smiles from the old teachers’ lounge.

For I knew every student in the classroom beneath

Was busy now, hanging a mistletoe wreath.

“And they’re hanging their stockings!” I snarled with a sneer.

“Next week is Christmas! It’s practically here!”

Then I growled, with my teacher fingers nervously drumming,

“I MUST find a way to keep Christmas from coming!”

For, in class, I knew…

All the Taiwanese girls and boys

Would get in class bright and early. They’d rush for their toys!

And then! Oh the noise! Oh, the noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!

Then they would start on the dumplings, and sit down to feast,

And the Taiwanese beast was something I couldn’t stand in the least!

And THEN

They’d do something I liked leased of all,

Every Taiwanese child, the tall and the small,

Would stand close together, and throw the sticky ball!

And they’d throw and they’d throw!

And the more I thought of the Taiwanese-Sticky ball-Throw

The more I thought, “I must stop this whole show!”

“Why for five months I’ve put up with it now!

I MUST stop Christmas from coming!

…But HOW?”

Then I got an idea!

An awful idea!

I got a WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!

“I know just what to do!” I laughed in my throat.

And I made a quick Santy Clause hat and a coat.

And I chuckled, and clucked, “What a great Teacher trick!

With this coat and this hat, I’ll look just like Saint Nick!”

“All I need is a reindeer…”

Then I looked around.

But since reindeer are scarce, there was none to be found.

Did that stop me at all?

“No!” I had simply said,

“If I can’t find a reindeer, I’ll make on instead!”

So I called my “TA” Amber. Then I took some red thread

And I tied a big horn on top of her head.

Then I said, “Giddyap!”

And we went into class

Toward the children all snoozing,

Asleep on their….. seats.

All their noses were snoring. They slept without care.

All the Taiwanese children were dreaming of sticky balls in mid-air

When I came to the first child in the room.

“This is stop number one,” I laughed and I hissed

And I climbed on the desk, empty bags in my fist.

Then I slithered and slunk, with a smile like a fool,

Around the whole room, and I took every teaching tool.

Sticky balls! Magnets! Hammers! And Markers!

Checkerboards! Basketballs! Bells! Cards! And Parkas!

Then I slunk to the backpacks. I took the kids’ feast!

I took the dumplings, and the Taiwanese beast!

And I threw all the goodies outside with glee!

“And NOW!” grinned I, “I will eat all the candy!”

And I grabbed all the candy, and I started to chow,

When I heard a small sound, like the moo of a cow.

And I turned around fast, and I saw a Taiwanese-ette,

Little Sonic-Lego Chu, who was not more than two.

I had been caught by this little Taiwanese daughter

Who’d got up from her seat for a cup of cold water.

She stared at me, and said, “Santy Claus, why,

“Why are you taking our Taiwanese treats? WHY?

But, you know, I was so smart and so slick

I thought up a lie, and I thought it up quick!

“My, my sweet little tot,” I admit, I had lied,

“There’s a lick on this treat that has no taste on one side.

So I’m taking it home to my workshop, my dear.

“I’ll make it taste right. Then I’ll bring it back here.”

And my fib fooled the child. Then I patted her head.

And I got her a drink and I sent her to bed.

And when Sonic-Lego Chu went to bed with her cup,

I went to the door, determined not to give up.

Then the last thing I took,

Was the marker board dust.

And I went out the door myself, the old liar.

On the walls I left nothing but hooks, and some wire.

And the one speck of food

That I left by the post

Was a crumb that was too small for even a cockroach.

It was quarter past four…

And all the children, still a snoozin’

Left enough time for a trip to the pub

And some boozin’.

Then back on the bus, and I went to School Shane

With a slight alcohol induced type of Migraine

“Pooh-pooh to the Taiwanese!” I was evilly humming.

“They’re finding out now that no Christmas party is coming!

“They just waking up! I know just what they’ll do!

“Their mouths will hang open a minute or two.

“Then all the children down in the classroom with all cry BOO-HOO!”

“That’s a noise,” I grinned with delight,

“That I simply must hear!”

So I paused. And I put a hand to my ear.

And I did hear a sound rising over the neon street signs’ glow

It started in low. Then it started to grow…

But the sound wasn’t sad!

Why, this sound sounded merry!

It couldn’t be so!

But WAS merry! VERY!

I starred in the classroom!

Then I popped my eyes!

Then I shook!

What I saw was a shocking surprise!

Every child in the classroom, the tall and the small,

Was throwing! Without sticky balls at all!

I HADN’T stopped the Christmas party from coming!

It came!

But somehow or other, they all looked insane!

And I, with my feet ice cold in the glow,

Stood puzzling and puzzling: “How could it be so?

“It came without flashcards! It came without stickers!

“It came without golf clubs, blocks, clocks, or tickers!”

And I puzzled three minutes, till my puzzler was sore.

Then I thought of something I hadn’t before!

“Maybe sticky ball,” I thought, “doesn’t come from a store.

“Maybe sticky ball…perhaps…means a little bit more!”

And what happened then…?

Well… in Taipei they say

That my very small heart

Grew three sizes that day!

And the minute my heart didn’t feel quite so tight

I whizzed in the room through the fluorescent bulbs’ light

And I brought back the candy! And the sticky ball to show.

And I…

…I MYSELF…!

I threw out the first throw!

From your Christmas loving, Dr. Seuss apologizing Santy Claus Grinch, Michael.