Thursday, December 27, 2007

Well it's a Marvelous Night for a Moon Dance

Two weekends ago, I took off on a second overnight trip to a stunning portion of Taiwan called Sun Moon Lake. It is called as such due to it's shape- on one side of the lake, the coast line jets out like a blooming sun, while on the other side, the lake takes a crescent shape. While the Sun side is the larger side, the moon side is in the seventh house, while another side looks like Jupiter, aligning with Mars, and they say on clear nights, that peace will guide the planets, and love will steer the stars. But this is only folk lore according to locals and The Fifth Dimension.

But, with all cheesy 70s lyrics aside, the trip was rather enjoyable. We began the evening with a traditional aboriginal dinner as displayed in the photograph below. The delights came complete with wild boar and shrimp from the lake (which I changed to salad)!


With the completion of our tasty meal, we retired for an early night because we had a long, and early, day the next day. And just how early you ask? Well, somewhere in the vicinity of 5:30 AM. I didn't even know that there was a 5:30 AM! But we woke up met our personal driver for the weekend (more on him to come), and he drove us up to the top of a mountain to see the sunrise over the lake and surrounding mountains. We arrived just as the silhouettes of the mountains could be discerned in the distance.
Shifting colors blending into amorphous shapes. Until, finally, the landscape could be made out. Mountains and hills dotted the scenery. Engulfed by ancient fog, lush tea plantations stretched up out of the fog as if to greet the sun with us.
The air was cold and fresh. We waited a long time for the sun- because it came up from behind a mountain. But when it did, beams of light were cast upon the lake, and tea, and fog filling our eyes with color and life. What a show!


Our driver then drove us back down the mountain. Now, I am sure you are wondering- how did you get a driver? Well, we told the hotel that we didn't have any transportation and asked if that would be a problem. The manager said, "Of course not, my husband can drive you around anywhere! Including to see the sunrise at 5:30 in the morning." I'm sure the old man was saying to himself, again and again, "For better or worse, for better or worse, till death do us part... hmmmm, death...." But, as it went, we had our own personal driver.


Our next stop was an Aboriginal Cultural Amusement Park, with one side dedicated to recreating the lifestyles of the Taiwanese aboriginal civilizations, while the other part of a class B amusement park with moderate thrill rides. Some parts were a bit of a knock off from Disney, with rides like Space Mountain and Splash Mountain, and the Monorail, but it was OK. We did go up a gondola and had a spectacular view of the mountainous region around Sun Moon Lake.

After our driver picked us up, he took us to a pottery class where I made a bowl. I made and carved everything. On one side is a moon, while on the other is a sun, for Sun Moon Lake. In the center is a Chinese proverb, roughly meaning that one hopes there will always be harvest left after one season to cultivate a new one the next. Or, as we should understand it, "May this bowl always be filled with food."


After that it was a dinner and a night walk around the lake before bed.

The next day, we were given free tickets to take a boat tour around the lake, stopping off at temples, islands, and the floating homes of fisherman. In the center of the lake is a sinking island. For the aboriginal people, this is a sacred island and sadly it is disappearing. When the Japanese controlled the island, they damned up part of the lake, causing the waters to rise and swallowing the majority of the island. Then, about ten years ago, Taiwan experienced a deadly earthquake that sent almost the rest of the island to the bottom of the lake. Serious conservation efforts are underway to protect the island. This photo is what is left of the holy ground.


After the boat tour, we boarded a bus and made our way back to Taipei to renew and refresh after a long and wonderful trip to the center of Taiwan. So with that, I wish you a happy new year from your Sun Moon Lake black tea drinking, bad joke making blogger extraordinaire, Michael.

Monday, December 24, 2007

The Christmas Spirit

I am about to embark on my first Christmas away from friends and family. Aside from the occasional homesickness, I am reminded this holiday season of all the things I am thankful for in Taiwan. So, without further ado, I present my holiday list of that which I am thankful for:

1) I am thankful for our pirated HBO cable box left by our apartment's previous tenants. We don't know how it's paid for, but the movie channels are there!

2) I am thankful for the restaurants that give me English menus.

3) I am thankful for my health and happiness and blah blah blah...

4) I am thankful for the donut man that works near my school.

5) I am thankful for my classes, and the great amount of... money... they provide me.

6) I am thankful for Bus 278 and 284, both of which take me from my house to my school without a transfer.

7) I am especially thankful for the last entry when I am particularly lazy.

8) I am thankful for bottled water and free public restrooms (nasty dig on France).

9) I am thankful for caller ID, so I can screen my calls.

10) I am thankful for poutine, and its surprising popularity in Taiwan.

12) I am thankful for the number eleven.

13) I am thankful for sub tropical climates where there is no snow that must be shoveled.

This holiday season has been particularly memorable. Much change has taken place in my life- some for good, some for bad- and it is nice to know that there are people around me here and on the other side of the world that care enough to send me letters, packages, e-mails, and many other forms of communication that brighten my day. With that, I would like to conclude with an anecdote from one of my classes.

How I hated Christmas! The whole Christmas season!

Now please don’t ask why, no one quite knows the reason.

It could be my marker cap wasn’t screwed on quite right.

It could be, perhaps, that my grades were too light!

But I think that the most likely reason of all

May have been that my heart was two sizes too small.

But,

Whatever the reason,

My heart or my grades,

I stood there on Christmas Eve (week), hating the Taiwanaise!

Staring down at the children with a sour, teacher frown

At the warm lighted smiles from the old teachers’ lounge.

For I knew every student in the classroom beneath

Was busy now, hanging a mistletoe wreath.

“And they’re hanging their stockings!” I snarled with a sneer.

“Next week is Christmas! It’s practically here!”

Then I growled, with my teacher fingers nervously drumming,

“I MUST find a way to keep Christmas from coming!”

For, in class, I knew…

All the Taiwanese girls and boys

Would get in class bright and early. They’d rush for their toys!

And then! Oh the noise! Oh, the noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!

Then they would start on the dumplings, and sit down to feast,

And the Taiwanese beast was something I couldn’t stand in the least!

And THEN

They’d do something I liked leased of all,

Every Taiwanese child, the tall and the small,

Would stand close together, and throw the sticky ball!

And they’d throw and they’d throw!

And the more I thought of the Taiwanese-Sticky ball-Throw

The more I thought, “I must stop this whole show!”

“Why for five months I’ve put up with it now!

I MUST stop Christmas from coming!

…But HOW?”

Then I got an idea!

An awful idea!

I got a WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!

“I know just what to do!” I laughed in my throat.

And I made a quick Santy Clause hat and a coat.

And I chuckled, and clucked, “What a great Teacher trick!

With this coat and this hat, I’ll look just like Saint Nick!”

“All I need is a reindeer…”

Then I looked around.

But since reindeer are scarce, there was none to be found.

Did that stop me at all?

“No!” I had simply said,

“If I can’t find a reindeer, I’ll make on instead!”

So I called my “TA” Amber. Then I took some red thread

And I tied a big horn on top of her head.

Then I said, “Giddyap!”

And we went into class

Toward the children all snoozing,

Asleep on their….. seats.

All their noses were snoring. They slept without care.

All the Taiwanese children were dreaming of sticky balls in mid-air

When I came to the first child in the room.

“This is stop number one,” I laughed and I hissed

And I climbed on the desk, empty bags in my fist.

Then I slithered and slunk, with a smile like a fool,

Around the whole room, and I took every teaching tool.

Sticky balls! Magnets! Hammers! And Markers!

Checkerboards! Basketballs! Bells! Cards! And Parkas!

Then I slunk to the backpacks. I took the kids’ feast!

I took the dumplings, and the Taiwanese beast!

And I threw all the goodies outside with glee!

“And NOW!” grinned I, “I will eat all the candy!”

And I grabbed all the candy, and I started to chow,

When I heard a small sound, like the moo of a cow.

And I turned around fast, and I saw a Taiwanese-ette,

Little Sonic-Lego Chu, who was not more than two.

I had been caught by this little Taiwanese daughter

Who’d got up from her seat for a cup of cold water.

She stared at me, and said, “Santy Claus, why,

“Why are you taking our Taiwanese treats? WHY?

But, you know, I was so smart and so slick

I thought up a lie, and I thought it up quick!

“My, my sweet little tot,” I admit, I had lied,

“There’s a lick on this treat that has no taste on one side.

So I’m taking it home to my workshop, my dear.

“I’ll make it taste right. Then I’ll bring it back here.”

And my fib fooled the child. Then I patted her head.

And I got her a drink and I sent her to bed.

And when Sonic-Lego Chu went to bed with her cup,

I went to the door, determined not to give up.

Then the last thing I took,

Was the marker board dust.

And I went out the door myself, the old liar.

On the walls I left nothing but hooks, and some wire.

And the one speck of food

That I left by the post

Was a crumb that was too small for even a cockroach.

It was quarter past four…

And all the children, still a snoozin

Left enough time for a trip to the pub

And some boozin’.

Then back on the bus, and I went to School Shane

With a slight alcohol induced type of Migraine

“Pooh-pooh to the Taiwanese!” I was evilly humming.

“They’re finding out now that no Christmas party is coming!

“They just waking up! I know just what they’ll do!

“Their mouths will hang open a minute or two.

“Then all the children down in the classroom with all cry BOO-HOO!”

“That’s a noise,” I grinned with delight,

“That I simply must hear!”

So I paused. And I put a hand to my ear.

And I did hear a sound rising over the neon street signs’ glow

It started in low. Then it started to grow…

But the sound wasn’t sad!

Why, this sound sounded merry!

It couldn’t be so!

But WAS merry! VERY!

I starred in the classroom!

Then I popped my eyes!

Then I shook!

What I saw was a shocking surprise!

Every child in the classroom, the tall and the small,

Was throwing! Without sticky balls at all!

I HADN’T stopped the Christmas party from coming!

It came!

But somehow or other, they all looked insane!

And I, with my feet ice cold in the glow,

Stood puzzling and puzzling: “How could it be so?

“It came without flashcards! It came without stickers!

“It came without golf clubs, blocks, clocks, or tickers!”

And I puzzled three minutes, till my puzzler was sore.

Then I thought of something I hadn’t before!

“Maybe sticky ball,” I thought, “doesn’t come from a store.

“Maybe sticky ball…perhaps…means a little bit more!”

And what happened then…?

Well… in Taipei they say

That my very small heart

Grew three sizes that day!

And the minute my heart didn’t feel quite so tight

I whizzed in the room through the fluorescent bulbs’ light

And I brought back the candy! And the sticky ball to show.

And I…

…I MYSELF…!

I threw out the first throw!


From your Christmas loving, Dr. Seuss apologizing Santy Claus Grinch, Michael.

Friday, December 7, 2007

Season of the Silver Grass

In the autumn and early winter months, the Taiwanese like to take to the mountains freeing themselves from the carbon-monoxide laden poisons wafting down the streets of the city. (Ironically, by driving there, they just bring the deadly fumes along!) But if the fresh air can't entice you out of the city for a day of clean living, perhaps the scenery can.

Without traffic, an hour long bus ride will take you into the mountainous regions around Keelung (where I had my first tasty helping of squid balls, if you recall). As New England is famous for its foliage, this place has silver grass spotted along the mountains, dashing it with splendid colors of riches and grace. Contrasted brightly against these sweeping silver vistas is the vibrant blue ocean which, surprisingly, is gold at some times!! Oh yes, if riches be your interest, go no further my friends for thar be gold in these here mountains!

Upon arriving in this mountains, we were lucky enough to take a tour bus to five equally exciting, and equally stunning, points of interest. The first stop was a temple with the largest bronze statue of GuanGong in Southeast Asia. This is probably because there is a sausage stand right outside the temple, and if I was a God living next to that sausage stand, I would probably be the biggest statue too! They were sooooo good.


After the temple, it was a short walk in Heaven (literally, we passed through a gate demarcating the boundary between Heaven and Earth) to a small board walk clutching desperately to the side of a mountain. In turn, we were clutching desperately to the side of the boardwalk so we wouldn't fall off! Our perilous journey was rewarded (if you believe it actually was perilous, then all the power to you!) as we were offered stunning views of the mountain, silver grass, and of course, the Gold Ocean.

At the base of the mountain, there is an outlet where a stream lets into the ocean. The stream collects a sufficient number of minerals along its way that happen to be gold colored. Well, all these minerals are deposited into the sea resulting in a gold ocean. That isn't a beach you're looking at in the picture, that's gold in those waters!



But where does all this gold come from? The gold comes from the mountain, turning everything along the way a shiny gold color. At one point, the river billows over a cliff side resulting in a most breathtaking natural phenomenon- a Gold Waterfall. Set against the silver grass, it was like we were in a Burl Ives song. (I had to ask my mom who wrote the song "Silver and Gold." She really is the genius behind Taiwanablog.)



After the gold waterfall, we went down to an old smelting relic and then for a drive along the romantic highway. And with who better to share this romantic highway than with a very pretty girl- here is a photograph taken of Huiheng and me at the golden waterfall.



Once we got back to the first stop, we had some more Taiwanese sausages and then we decided to explore some of the areas around the Gold Ecological Park. We discovered that the park actually used to be an old Japanese mine where they would dig for gold in the mountains. Lucky for us, after a short stroll around the park and through blossoming cherry blossoms, we had the unique chance of entering the mine. Most people would say they "had" to wear hard hats. I, on the other hand, say I "got"to wear a hard hat. SO COOL! I looked like a real digger.



The mine was cramped and wet. There were times when the air circulation was poor, so I felt a little claustrophobic at times. And when water dripped on your face, you pulled a three stooges face wipe to get the the gross earth water out of your eyes. But when we exited the mine, we had ascended the mountain a bit, so we were greeted by a setting sun and a most romantic, and equally beautiful, view of the mountains and town lights below.



From your gold excavating, silver grass harvesting, water washing mountaineer of Keelung, Michael.

Thursday, November 29, 2007

A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving

My friend Shawn Dowling used to say to me, "Of all the Mike O'Neills in the world, you're the Mike O'Neilliest." To the Charlie Brown aficionados, there is no explanation needed on the quote. And if this bit of peanuts trivia befuddles your keen sense, then you haven't lived so please brush up on your Schultz and the gang.

I open with a Charlie Brown quote because this past Sunday, my new "family" and I celebrated my favorite American holiday thousands of miles away from home. With good friends, and good food, it was as if I was back in the brisk New England Autumn sharing with my families in Billerica and Burlington. Thanksgiving has come to mean more to me than any other holiday, and so it was with calm nostalgia and deep warmth that I embraced our Taiwan Thanksgiving this past weekend.

The day began with cloudy patches sweeping across the sky. Huiheng and I went to the top of Taipei 101 to show Flat Stanley the view from the world's tallest building. This building is not recommended to those who suffer from vertigo or small bladders! But to those with brave and strong hearts, it is said that good things shall come. And our blessed Thanksgiving gift that day, at the top of the world, was a view of an enormous rainbow. But this was no ordinary view, as we actually looked down on it and its vast expanse over the scape of the city.

Huiheng and I then made stuffing and gathered at my friend, Sarah's home, for a glutinous feast. With a real turkey, stuffing, delicious mashed potatoes, roasted vegetables, sweet potato caserole, string bean dishes, salads, gravy, and friends from America, Canada, Taiwan, Spain, Britain, and many other locations, the feast could begin. As the only respectable American father figure present, I was charged with the duty of carving the Turkey. Over the course of the next two hours, we sat and ate, told stories of our excursions in Taiwan and plans for future travels. The experiences were varied as they were interesting.

But the evening came to a close as we wished each other merry holidays. And as we made our way home in the cold, dark, drizzling night, we stayed warm and cozy from the enchanted holiday evening.

Happy Holidays from a New Englander's Thanksgiving in Taiwan, Michael.

Monday, November 19, 2007

1,000 Visitors

On Monday, November 5th, this site reached 1,000 visitors. I began keeping track of visitors on July 19th, missing some traffic in the early days. However, since then, I have had visitors from all around the world- here are some locations from where people have stumbled across taiwanablog-

United States- Maine, New Hampshire, Vermont, New York, Massachusetts, Connecticut New Jersey, Pennsylvania, Maryland, Virginia, South Carolina, Florida, Alabama, Tennessee, Kentucky, Ohio, Illinois, Michigan, North Dakota, Texas, New Mexico, California, Oregon, and Hawaii.

Taiwan- Taipei, San Chu'Ung, Neihu, Tai-Chung and Hualien

India- Hyderabad and Mumbai

Germany- Uelzen and Wandlitz

United Kingdom- Edinburgh and Potters Bar

Brazil- San Paulo

France- Dijon

Chile- Santiago

Spain- Bilbao

Canada- Winnipeg

Belgium- Brussels

Malaysia- Kuala Lumpur

Gaudeloupe- Pointe-a-Pitre

The highest volume of traffic came from Taipei at 200 hits! Followed by San Chu'Ung at 119 hits.

The highest volume of traffic in the United States came from Massachusetts, my home state, at 487 hits. Narrowing down to cities, first place goes to Allston, MA clocking in at 90 hits. Boston wasn't far behind at 84. Lowell third at 62, and then Wenham at 61 visitors.

The lowest volume of traffic came from Pointe-a-Pitre, Guadeloupe at 1 hit. I suppose they didn't really like what they saw!

572 visits to this site were direct traffic. 477 hits came from referring websites. The most popular one was facebook.com that sent 297 visitors here. Followed by yahoo.com at 106, and then blogger.com at 43. The most interesting referring website was wheel-chair-swicki.eurekster.com. Very odd.

Some google searches that turned up taiwanablog and sent visitors were- "taiwanablog" with 37 hits, "bear grylls" "http://taiwanablog.blogspot.com", "taipei and typhoon", "taipei MRT", "taiwan-food", "Typhoon Taipei Krosa".

The longest anyone spent on this site was over 47 minutes long. The shortest was three seconds.

This information was gathered using Google Analytics. Please read the next post to catch up with what has been happening in my life recently!

A Return from Sabbatical

Dear punctilious readers: I have returned from my sabbatical. This month long siesta was not intended, but unfortunately, was it neither avoidable. My computer broke down for several weeks, and until recently, it was not repaired. But, as you may have guessed, the old girl's back in working order and ready to transmit my unearthly deeds during the past month.

Perhaps the most important of the major developments is that I now have a girlfriend. Her name is Huiheng, and she is one of the sweetest and most beautiful girls in all of Taiwan. To find fault in this girl only means there is fault in your judgement. I find it altogether fitting and proper to relate to you a date the two of us shared in the early phases of our courtship.

It was like any other Wednesday night- I had finished work at 6:30 in the evening and was meeting her outside the Taipei Main Station (where they just built a new Coldstone, by the way, and yes they still sing, and if at the end of the song you yell "AGAIN!" I discovered they will sing it a second time, only less merrily) where we were to partake in some dumplings. However, at 8:00, I received a text from her inviting me to a fashion show. I asked her how to get there and she gave me directions to the Sheraton Hotel Luxury Suite. Fortunately, the hotel was only one MRT stop away.

As soon as I walked through the door to that hotel, my phone went of in another impressive display of lights and colors. This time she texted me with the following message- "I should warn you, it's a French Lingerie fashion show." Oh boy! I went up the elevator, with the thrill of a school boy, hurried to the front door where a woman came up to me and said, "Come in and watch the show. The men really love it." Not bad for no ticket.

I then texted Huiheng to inform her that I arrived, but it took her some time to come out to me. Now I was a bit puzzled. I knew I was in the right place, since there were people walking around in their underwear, but no sign of Huiheng. Then, with a jolt to my heart, I thought- what if she is one of the models!! OH NO!!! But my fears were quickly put to rest when she came around the corner, fully dressed, and brought me to her seats.

The show was very good, and very scanda- lous. At times, I had to turn to Huiheng and ask, "So, am I allowed to look?"

Last night I dreamed I was in a Van Gogh painting. Starry starry night...

Halloween was celebrated in full force by Taiwanese and Foreigners alike. On the foreigners front, the place to be was our apartment. With a "costumes only" rule, we were graced by Captain Jack Sparrow, Typhoon Wipha, Ralph Wiggum, various anime characters, a judo kicking ladybug, a fifties flapper, Superman, Jersey Greasers, and much much more. I sported my classic Colonel Harlan Sanders costume to my guests' delight.

On the homeownership news front, I may not own a home, but my apartment just got a bit cozier. I was recently given a piano by my landlady's friend. Such charming and effective friends I have here. And to compli- ment the nice friends, I am also fortunate to have such wonderful places to visit. A few weekends back, I went to a revolving restaurant with Huiheng and had a splendid 360 degree view of Taipei and the Yangminshan Mountains. The restaurant was all you can eat cake, so we spent three hours up there and spun around the restaurant twice. Perhaps someone went to get cake once and perhaps he forgot the restaurant was still spinning, and perhaps he sat down at another person's table when he returned, but it can't be for certain really.

In news from Byfield, my headmaster and director of admission at Governor Dummer came to visit me last week. In a trip to Taiwan and Korea, they made sure to reserve a night to have dinner with a faithful alum of the school. I took the two of them to a restaurant in the heart of the city which I am told is the best Hot Pot place in town. If you ever eat here, I am sure you can't argue with that. A hot pot is basically a buffet at which you choose meats and vegetables and then you cook them at your table in your own "hot pot." The result is very delicious. I was also updated on my old academy about everything going on as I informed my friends about my life on the other side of the world.

I hope these stories keep you interested in my blog, and I promise not to take such extended holidays in the future. To my faithful, and probably somewhat perturbed readers (due to the long absence), I say until next time from your head spinning, lingerie drooling, man of romance in the land of dreams, Michael.

Monday, October 22, 2007

Thanks Crazy Lady

In recent news, I was given a potato last week. I entered my school early last Thursday to find an interesting woman sitting at the front desk speaking with our school manager. As soon as I walked through the door, the large lady whipped around and my unsuspecting ocular organs met her crazy eyes. She was a hefty set woman, with wild, black curly hair, an obtrusive pince nez resting on her protruding snozzle, and a long heavy winter jacket dangling down to her vericose vein laden, panty hose concealed (although clearly not well enough) stubby legs.

As soon as she saw me, an idea struck her head. She turned around and took a small, crumpled bag and came to me right away! She started speaking Chinese with a fiery flare before she realized I was not familiar with her dialect. I turned to my manager sympathetically, but she only shook her head and did her best to stifle a laugh. She opened the bag and took out a warm, fresh sweet potato. She handed it to me and said, in broken English, "Good, Good." I looked at the potato and said, "Mmmmm, looks delicious. I'm just going to take it with me into the other room now and eat it there. You don't have to follow me..." Oh, but she did.

Down the hall, she called out, "Good, Good!"

And I responded, "Yes, it looks good. I will eat it in here."

"GOOD, GOOD!"

I placed the potato on a napkin in the teachers room and pretended to start eating it. I usually make it a point not to eat food from strangers. Especially crazy strangers. And this stranger now came into the teachers room and whispered sensually, "Good, good."

We stared at each other with nothing to say- two souls lost in different languages. I again said, "looks good," and she then bowed and left the room.

In a few moments, I went back out to the front desk to ask my manager who this woman was. She started laughing and said, "I have no idea." That's it, I wasn't going to eat that potato at this rate. I returned to the teachers room, with the potato resting softly next to me, and got to work.

About an hour later, I went back out to the main lobby and had a near fatal heart attack when the woman was back! She was sitting quietly on the couch staring intently at me. It scared me so I went back into the teachers room and did not return. However, this fearless potato warrior followed me back to the teachers room with a different inflection to her voice and asked, "good, good?"

I told her that the potato was "good" and I thanked her very much for it. It wasn't until after I told her it was good that I realized the potato was still resting on my desk in plain view. I tried to position myself between the starched gourd from hell and this maniac. Luckily, she didn't say anything more and was off.

Turns out, she was waiting for another teacher to give the remaining potatoes to and a few tubes of medicinal hand cream. She waited over two hours for the teacher to arrive, allowing just enough time for me to get caught in the crossfire and become sufficiently freaked out.

Until my next great potato caper, from your weirded out, door locked insomniac of the pacific, Michael.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Dis-orient-ed

Last night I had a dream- a very strange dream. Because I prefer not going into detail (more specifically, about the karaoke singing Amish relatives of Tyler Youngblood at a Halloween party- yes, strange, I know, so I will not expand on this point any further...), I will instead give you a brief overview of the dream.

I dreamed that I had returned early from Taiwan. I was amongst friends and family at a welcome home party. All was going well and I was more than delighted to see everyone. However, as the party went along, I started missing Taiwan more and more. I missed the foods, I missed the classes, and most importantly, I missed the people. Instantly, I became very upset with myself that I left Taiwan early! I left the party in a rage and hailed the first taxi cab to come in sight.

I hopped into the back of the cab and said, "Heping/ Fuxing" which is the intersection on which my apartment is located. The cabbie then proceeded to drive around Boston for the next hour or so searching for the intersection of "Heping/ Fuxing". Obviously, he did not find it.

I woke up from the dream in a state of panic! "Where am I?" I thought to myself. Slowly I came to realize that I was still here in Taiwan and it had all been a dream. I cannot explain to you the sense of relief I felt for waking up here in Taiwan. This was a truly reaffirming dream to have- to wake up and be delighted I was in a foreign country. It reminded me of how happy I am to be here and how lucky I am to have this opportunity to live and work in a country on the other side of the world.

In waking life, things are going quite well. I am settling into my working routine, but in Taiwan there is never a real routine! For instance, last week our refrigerator died. We asked the landlord (the Kramer of our Taiwanese apartment) to send a repair man to fix our refrigerator. Her solution was to send an aging British woman named Angela to see our fridge. It seems like she has a "friend" for everything. Well, the granny arrived to our apartment and looked at the fridge. She put some tape over the door and said, "Don't worry, it will heal itself."

We looked at her and said, "Ummm, this is an appliance. It is broken. Appliances will not heal themselves." She said to trust her, and we did. And as a reward for our trust, we got a lot of spoiled food. The landlady then said she would buy a new fridge but that would increase our rent by $500 a month (or $15 U.S.). We didn't like the sound of that, so we told her we would be going to a store to buy our own fridge and then sell it when we leave.

There is a great second hand appliance market in Taipei where you can get great appliances for cheap money. My roommate and I went to the market and purchased a new fridge and Television for $6,000, or about $180 U.S. An improvement over the $500 a month increase in rent which would have come out to $5,000 EACH PERSON by the time the lease was over!

The new fridge is here, and I tell it everyday how much I love it, so it will never break on me! Until next time, my faithful readers, from your cold beer drinking, fresh food eating, nightmare freaking, bargain seeking haggler of the orient, Michael.

Saturday, October 6, 2007

A Super Typhoon

While most of you are snuggled warm in your New England homes, enjoying the autumn foliage, Taiwan was blasted this weekend by a Category 5 Super Typhoon. With sustained winds of 115 mph and gusts at over 250 mph, a radius dwarfing the entire country, deadly landslides serving as the inevitable consequences, and 50 inches of rain in some parts of the city, this beast wrought havoc and disaster to this tiny island. And with the eye passing right over Taipei, I saw the worst of it. Sorry to say, it isn't over yet.

Click here to see a video of the Super Typhoon Krosa that has so far left at least four dead in Taipei. Courtesy of BBC Online.

Monday, October 1, 2007

I Like it Hot! Hot! Hot!

A most charming evening was had last night by all in atten- dance. Meeting up at Taipei Main Station, a group of my closest friends took the red line, caught a bus transfer, and hiked it up the mountainside of Yangminshan in the evening. Yangminshan is known for many things- breathtaking views, clean air, vigorous mountain trails, and most importantly (and incidentally, the purpose of our trip that evening) the hot springs.

We went to Hot Spring Lane where many bubbling baths were awaiting our future plans for relaxation. After comparing a few of the spas, we decided on a nice little place nestled into the side of a hill. Originally, the owner thought we wanted the public springs, which were nice. Only one thing- you had to be naked. Being the conservative Bostonian that I am, this option wasn't entirely appealing, so when we toured the public springs and there were plenty of Taiwanese au natural, I voted for the private baths where bathing suits could be (and would be) worn. Also, the publics were separated male/female, and we were a mixed group that wanted to be together.

We rented out two rooms adjacent to one another and let the hot springs flow at full force. Rich in iron and other healing minerals, there was nothing more soothing than a calming soak in the mountains' lava boiled water sources. Pruned fingers aside, the positive effects were calming and all around delightful. Every last toxin in me was sweat out within minutes.

Unbeknownst to me, all those toxins were about to reenter my body before I would even step out of the resort.

When the majority of us had finished up, dried off, and dressed, we returned outside to the lobby where there was a bar. The man who welcomed us was singing some interesting Taiwanese tunes. But more importantly, in front of him were twelve conspicuously placed pints of Taiwan beer. "That's strange," I thought to myself. "I wonder what those are for."

As we were about to leave, I saw the singer turn to our group and start speaking Chinese. Not knowing what he was saying, I turned to one of my Taiwanese friends for a translation. "He's saying those are for a beer drinking contest. Guess what Michael, you're playing!" That was an interesting turn of events.

But behold, the events grew more interesting as straws were laid out in front of the glasses. Now my friend was saying, "You have to drink three pints of beer with the straw." A straw. Right. OK. Three more Taiwanese men approached the table making it a stiff competition of four. I had to represent America on this one, all by myself. The race was off. One other gent and I made it through our first two beers well before anyone else, so we took a short break to allow the others to catch up. Once the final person caught up, we went for the last beer. Gulping, sucking, and swallowing, that pint of beer was mixing with the other two pints just consumed in a matter of a few seconds. I glanced over at my competition- he was ahead of me. I thought to myself, how could he go that fast? Well, the answer is, he couldn't. About half way through the drink all the beer that he took in decided it wanted to go back out, spewing all over the floor and on my foot. It didn't matter, as this gave me the edge I needed to clinch the title of Champion.

As a prize, I won a bottle of rice wine, four free tickets to use the spa, and a three hundred dollar gift certificate to use at the restaurant. I think this could be a nice date sometime!

Well, as you can imagine- at the the spa I became very dehydrated so those three beers had a pretty swift and significant effect. It was a fantastic ride home, and for dinner we went to the Taiwan Beer Bar for some more frosty refreshments and traditional Taiwanese chow.

I am aware that most of my posts, recently, have been about mass consumption of alcohol. I do not endorse this kind of abuse at all. But it was my cousin Stevie, who was here in a Taiwan not too long ago, that warned me I had to bring my drinking cap along. Well, I have since learned that the Taiwanese themselves don't drink much, but man do they love to buy drinks for other people. Especially foreigners like me. Gambe! (Or, as we say, "Bottoms up!")

So with that, I say farewell from your detoxified, intoxicated, aquatic master of the mountainous hot springs, Michael.

Thursday, September 27, 2007

One Squid, Two Squid...

I have returned from my trip to central-eastern Taiwan seemingly in one piece. I have yet to do roll call, but I am sure I would have noticed by now if something was missing. For those who did not read my last post, and are too lazy to scroll down and read it- Joe Larkin I'm looking in your direction- I took a 3 hour train ride to the fair city of Hualien.

Along the eastern coast of Taiwan, the train ride was spotted with dazzling cliff sides and impressive ocean vistas. The city of Hualien itself was nothing spectacular, in my opinion, but it did have a wide array of sites and sounds. In particular was a coastal night market, a pristine beach, and my favorite, a seafood/drinking hall. With beer bottles at NT$60, the evening was shaping up to be a birthday party part two. Only this time without Jeffrey.


After a few pints at the old beer tent, we stumbled over to another local bar and again found ourselves to be its only clientele. They told us they were having a BBQ in honor of the moon festival and asked us to join along! We delightfully accepted and ordered a few rounds of Taiwan Beer to toast the celebration. Well, the Taiwan beer was flowing when the owner asked us if we liked Taiwan food. Not knowing fully well what Taiwan food is, we said, "Yes, of course!" Well, plates came in our direction with fried squid balls, garlic raw oysters, pickled grapes, and BBQed chicken, beef, and tofu.


The land items were OK, but the seafood was NOT going to sit well with our beer. After a few nibbles on the squid ball, we knew we couldn't finish them. Creativity ensued. Our first attempt came when the owner wasn't looking. My friend stuffed a few balls into his shopping bag in hopes it looked like they were eaten. Next it was my turn, and I decided to take a more aquatic approach. I took two of the balls with me to the restroom (when the owner was out cooking, of course) and dropped the two squideroos down the John. I pulled the handle and sent those beasts back to the watery depths from which they came. Only, they didn't want to go back...


After creeping down the tubes for a few seconds, they popped back up to say hello. I tried again, but with the same result! Now what was I to do. Surely, if the owner came in a found his fried squid balls resting at the bottom of the squatter, there's no knowing the wrath of anger he would unleash. Suddenly, I had a flash of an idea. If you recall in my second post, I mentioned that in Taiwan, toilet paper is not flushed down the toilet, but thrown away into a garbage bucket adjacent to the hopper. Wonderful, if I could only figure out how to get those little squiddies out of the swirling crapper of doom. I reached for the toilet brush and was able to scoop them out with the poise and ingenuity of McGyver. I dropped the sea monsters into the trash and return to my table like nothing had happened. We escaped the rest of the evening free of any cultural faux pas (aside from taking the oysters out of their shells and putting them next to the garlic so it looked like we at them all.)


The next day included one of the most extraordinary sights I have seen to date. We arose early and took a bus to Taroko Gorge National Park. For those who have witnessed this massive gorge knows how hard it is to wrap one's mind around the sheer immensity of this place. I have included a set of photos, but it goes without saying that no photo can come close to capturing the brilliance of this natural resource.


After the gorge we returned home, which was good, because the following day a co-worker of mine threw a BBQ for the moon festival. Located in the northern edge of the city, in a section called Donghu, a group of us gathered on her roof for more food than one could imagine, beer, sparklers, and of course some moon gazing. Set against the Taiwanese city landscape, and among some of the finest folks I have met out here in the far East, I have to admit the moon watching was well worth it.


Well, that concludes my moon festival experiences. Check back soon for a very cool surprise. I will give you a hint- it's bright red and goes "vroom, vroom." Stay tuned.


From your squid flushing, barbecue bumming, seafood "gorging" traveller of Formosa, Michael.

Saturday, September 22, 2007

Moon Cakes

Well, it's Saturday night (officially, the wee hours or Sunday morning) and tomorrow morning I head off for my first vacation to Hualian and Taroko Gorge for some much needed hiking, kayaking, and white-water rafting. I owe these days off to a mythical couple who, many years ago, were separated when the darling lass spiritually ascended to the moon. One day a year, the young mistress returns to her lover and to celebrate this extraordinary event, called the Moon Festival, we get the day off. This gives me my second three-day weekend in a row (last weekend was thanks to Typhoon Wipha which was mild in Taiwan but devastating in China) and thus forms my journey to Hualian.

In the weeks preceding the Moon Festival, it is customary for students to bring in gifts for their teachers. Moon Cakes are the traditional delicacies and every day I went to work looking forward to receiving my lunar pastries. But alas, days went by and no gifts were bestowed upon me. Disenchanted with the Moon Festival, I went into my last class heartbroken that no students of mine decided to celebrate this ancient love by giving me material goods. It will delight you, dear reader, I am sure, that when I had entered the class room, there was one student in the corner holding a bag from a bakery. With the thrill of a school boy, I hopped over to her and she handed me a bag of delicious, albeit store bought, moon cakes. They weren't very good, but at least I was thought of. This young girl has become my favorite student.

I know what you are thinking- choosing favorites is wrong. Well, I do it and you are probably reading this from the other side of the world so you have little effect over the course of events here. In one class, I actually rigged a game of musical chairs so that the littlest, cutest girl I had ever seen won the game. I know, I am despicable. But if you ever saw her, I am sure you would do the same thing.

Speaking of little children, I love how gullible they are. After performing some stunning magic tricks for them, one little girl asked me to float! Thinking she got me, I said "OK," and did this optical illusion where, if you stand on your toe from a certain angle, it looks like you are floating. Well, as I was "floating" in air, I heard nine little children behind me screaming, "Oh my God!!! He's flying!! He's flying in class!!! Oh my god!!!"

I turned around to the funniest thing I have seen in years. Nine little Taiwanese children standing on their tip-toes flapping their arms like wings trying to "fly" in class. Fantastic.

Well, it is the first night of the Moon Festival and I suppose I should partake in the celebrations. I am told that for the Moon Festival, people gather with their families outside and stare at the moon. For hours. Hmmm. I think I will go see what's on T.V. now.

Stay tune for my post-vacation post to Hualian. From you moon beaming, favorite seeking, magic floating genie of Asia, Michael.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

A Very Merry Unbirthday

It's official! I celebrated the longest birthday of my life: 36 hours. I have to thank time differences for this one. You see, in Taiwan, when it turned 12 midnight on September 10, it was still 12 noon on September 9 in Boston, my home town. So, when it turned 12 midnight on September 11 in Taiwan, I still had another twelve hours of celebration to do in Boston. Ergo, a 36 hour birthday.

My birthday gift from the company was a six day work week. On my birthday I was on stand-by and got called in to work. This was no problem because I actually enjoy going to work! It's once I'm there that's the problem! Just kidding, I love this job. But anyways, when they called me, I went to the bathroom and turned on the shower to warm it up. At this time, a friend called to wish me a happy birthday. I answered the phone, we spoke a minute, and then hung up. However, when I returned to the shower, I forgot it was me who turned the water on. So, logically, I assumed someone else was in there. So I went back to my room and waited. Ten minutes went by and they still weren't done. Twenty minutes and no sign of finishing up. It wasn't until the half hour mark that I began to suspect foul play. Just then, a stroke of realization was sent down from the Heavens as I recalled that I was in the shower, or at least, I was suppose to be in the shower. After all these years, I can still get me! My second birthday gift was a cold shower.

I went to work and ended up teaching a kindergarten. The children were no older than four or five and hardly spoke any English. But for what they lacked in intelligence they made up for in spirit. They were so damn cute. At the end of the class, they sang happy birthday to me and gave me a big hug. It is moments like these, group hugs from Children, that transcend cultural barriers and melt even the iciest of hearts like mine. The emotion began to well up until I noticed one of the little girls was drooling on my tie. Emotion subsided. Irony ensued. Now I can't wait until I am a college professor so none of my students will drool on me. Well, none of my sober students, that is.

The day ended and then it was time to PARTY. Because it was my night, I got to choose the destination. It was not hard- the Taiwan Beer Brewery that serves pints of frosty Taiwan Beer at NT$60 a mug, or $2.00 US if we're playing with real money. I was the first to arrive with a friend of mine, which meant we had time to order dinner and several rounds of this delicious beer. I ordered the smoked chicken. Chopped up in to small pieces, I was digging this dish, until I came across the head of the chicken smoked and thrown in with all the rest. I covered it with a piece of lettuce and continued with my meal.

Please know that we would not have been able to do this evening on our own because the menu was in Chinese. When we got there, and the waiter discovered we did not speak any Chinese, he called his good friend Jeffery over- age: forty-two, nationality: Taiwanese, role: customer- to translate the menu. We told Jeffery we were here celebrating my birthday at which point he insisted on buy me drinks. We accepted. Eventually the party grew to about ten people or so and everyone had their drinks snuggled nicely to their lips. Various other Westerners joined our table because that was where the party was. At about 11:00, Jeffery decided he wanted to order the entire table a round. Excellent. The waiter brought everybody a drink and set them on the table. Some were still finishing their other drink, so there was a back up of beer set upon us. About ten minutes later, I was just about finished with my beer when Jeffery decided that we needed another round. He ordered it, and then there were at least twenty or twenty-five full beers on the table. Jeffery turned to me and said, in the manner of Confusius or Laozi, "Michael, you must drink those beers... It is your destiny."

After the Taiwan Beer Garden, we went to another bar and met up with about five or six other people that couldn't make it to the Garden. There we feasted on the finest Western foods imaginable- potato skins, fries, nachos, and of course, more Taiwan beer. Gift number three- the best night I have had so far in Taiwan. Thanks guys.

From your twenty-something, birthday romping, pace-maker packing, wheel chair lacking (thank god), birthday boy of the beer garden, Michael.

Friday, September 7, 2007

Big Earthquake Hits Taipei

Friday morning, at 1:51 AM, I experienced my first earthquake. Registering 6.5 on the Richter scale, this baby shook the building and woke up my flatmates. I was sitting at my computer, catching up on some e-mails, when I felt a rumble coming on. Thinking at first it was only a truck passing by, the rumbling got stronger and stronger until I noticed my shades were shaking and my clothes were rocking back and forth. Evidently, it was a big one.

Four minutes later, a 5.7 after shock came along, but that was mild compared to its older brother.

But what does a 6.5 earthquake mean? Major earthquakes are about 7.0 and higher. In December of 1999, an earthquake measuring 7.1 hit Taiwan killing more than 2,000 people. An earthquake between 6.0 and 6.9, nevertheless, is a big earthquake and can cause serious damage or casualties in a populated area- shattering glass, levelling buildings, disrupting communications, etc... So why didn't this big shaker create devastation? Well, it's epicenter was about 70 miles southeast of Taipei in the ocean. Fortunately, no tsunami developed.

From your rock and roller Elvis impersonator of natural disasters, Michael.

Saturday, September 1, 2007

Small Vignettes of Great Importance

These notes from my island may seem inconsequential to some, but matter a great deal in the grand scheme of things. My good friend, Ingrid Wenzler, once told me that the finer moments in life were the smaller gestures and the subtler actions. I don't think she could be more right.

Let me start of with cute, and thus I turn to my students. In my advanced seminar, I assigned an essay where the students had to research and write about an event in the space race. One young lady, about 9 or 10, decided to write on an astronaut who happened to share the same name as the author of your favorite blog. When she turned it in, she did a masterful job- writing a page over the required amount, she developed an essay that was grammatically precise and quite informative as well. At the conclusion of the essay, she printed out a photograph of this young astronaut and included the caption below- "Dear teacher Michael O'Neill, you are much more handsome than he is!" She then drew her name in block letters around this caption and handed it in. Of course, she got an A!

At my school, my manager is like my own little Confucius. In addition to practising Chinese medicine on me in the school lobby, (basically she rubbed a quarter on my neck for about 5 minutes and applied tiger balm) she proffers to me sage advice as well. For example, she asked me one day, "Do you know any Chinese?" I told her that I knew how to say hello, thank you, yes/no, and long time, no see, but really my Chinese is non-existent. I then recalled that I knew one more phrase, but first I had to set it up. I informed her that my cousin came to Taiwan and married a girl and my uncle came to Taiwan and married a girl, so I knew how to say, "Ta se wo taitai" which means "she is my wife". Of course they got a good laugh out of this. But then my manager became very serious and said to me, "Michael, why have only one tree when you could have the entire forest." Ahh, Zen.

Sometimes in life, food takes precedent. Last weekend, my friends and I decided we needed some familiar food from home. So we rounded up the troops and had a Tai-pancakes party. My friend Kate and I were the chefs. Our first attempts were closer to scrambled pancakes, but then we got the hang of it and made some flavors that still dance upon our tongues today. The first batches were the traditional blueberry pancakes, but the second were something quite extraordinary. Using waffle batter instead of pancake batter, we added Cadbury malt balls and diced up bananas. Cooked to perfection, we smothered it with peanut butter, whipped cream, syrup, and more bananas. The evolution of this masterpiece is chronicled below. Warning- jealousy may ensue.


The Chefs


The Peanut Butter



The fruit is added


Oh yes, generous helpings of whipped cream. I would have done the entire can if someone didn't stop me...

Close-up of perfection


And yes, we eat pancakes with chopsticks in Taiwan


I conclude my vignettes with a transportation story. My ride home last night was particularly exceptional. I looked out the window and saw a man riding a scooter. Attached to the scooter was a trailer. In the trailer was a dog. And on the dog was a helmet!! Then, at one bus stop, an old woman was getting off the bus and pulling a small carriage behind her. She was a bit slow disembarking so it was no surprise when the bus doors closed on her lagging carriage! With her belongings trapped on the bus, she didn't let go! This didn't stop the bus driver from pulling away, dragging the old lady along with him. She started yelling, "HEY HEY HEY," I was horrified and yelling "STOP STOP STOP," The bus driver kept driving like nothing was wrong as the poor woman was trying desperately to keep up without losing her precious cargo. Thankfully, the doors opened and the carriage was freed, leaving the woman relatively unscathed as she walked away into the night.

And that does it for this installment of the taiwanablog. For those keeping score at home, the number of Dunkin' Donuts I have found is now up to five. Glory days. From your day dreaming, astronaut beating, hunk of the high seas, Michael.

Saturday, August 25, 2007

Signs of the Times

In this installment, I bring you a collection of some of the finest signage I have found around Taiwan. Complete, of course, with my ever insidious commentary. This photo was taken while hiking in Yangmingshan National Park. Unfortunately, our bovine aspirations were thwarted as no young heifers came our way that day.
This photo was taken in Yangmingshan National Park as well. Clearly I enjoy living on the edge.

Caution: Riding on the Maokong Gondola may cause snot to come out of your nose involuntarily.
Oh thank God, I have been holding it for so long!

This photo was taken at the school where I teach. We are trying a new tactic- instill the holy fear of English into them!

No running on water! This photo was taken in Gendalough, outside of Dublin Ireland. I know it's not in Taiwan, but I had to include it.

From your lost in body but not in soul comrade in Asia, Michael.

Saturday, August 18, 2007

A City under Siege

It was 4:30 PM on Friday evening. An urgent letter was sent out by the Head Office to all the schools- Classes tonight and tomorrow will be canceled due to the impending typhoon. Typhoons are hurricanes in Southeast Asia, making their equivalent of a snow day, you guessed it, a typhoon day. With winds estimated to be as fast as 100 mph, and a square mileage exceeding the size of this country by two or three times, we were in for one big typhoon.

So, as any foreigners would do in their first typhoon, we all gathered together to put back a few beers and watch the show together! 9:00 PM and we had gathered nicely with our crew. 10 PM came and went without a sign of rain. So, we kept on drinking. 11 PM came along, and while the ground was dry outside, the same could not be said for us. We kept waiting for the storm, but the storm never came. And as we waited, we drank more, and as we drank more, we became more impatient for the storm. Finally, about 2 AM, still no sign of the storm, we had drunk all our beer and began to notice a slight discomfort in our stomach region. Clearly, we were hungry. It was 2 AM on the eve of a typhoon and we needed nourishment. What would be open? Suddenly, an idea flashed before our eyes. We looked each other over, and with a smile, we knew the only solution would be bagels and breakfast sandwiches from our 24 hour bagel store (which has already provided us plenty of late night/early morning snacks before). We called ahead and with luck, they were open. Bravery feeds the brave. We piled into a cab and arrived at the late night delicatessen over joyed to see its bright lights and packed booths. We ordered our fair share of bagels and cheesy fries and toasted to the typhoon, if it should actually decide to show up.

The next morning, yes, it did decide to show up by the way. With pounding rain and hustling wind, this city of mine went through one good beating! So in case you should ever find yourself in a similar situation, here are five simple rules on how to survive a typhoon. Survivor man, style, never Bear Grylls.


  1. Don't bring an umbrella. The rain comes at you from all four directions so please give up on staying dry.



  2. Watch for falling palm trees. The leaves may give you a paper cut.



  3. Stay inside and drink lots of beer. Eat lots of food. Watch lots of movies. Sleep. Repeat.



  4. Do not go on top of your apartment's roof because you will probably be blown over the side. Trust me on this one, I speak from experience.



  5. Nothing is open except for 7/11, McDonald's (and similar fast food varieties), Cafes, and random dumpling stores. There are only two buses running in the city, but the MRT is good to go. But that is underground, which, I suppose, is cheating.
May these guidelines protect you in your darkest hour and move you subtly to a higher, more euphoric state. So with that, I bid you a most pleasant farewell from your soaking wet and typhoon 2007 survivor from a blown around and battered little island in the Pacific, Michael.

And by the way, my friend's apartment, at which I stayed during the pre-hours of the typhoon, had bits of his roof blown away. My apartment, however, survived the storm unscathed.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Adventures in Teaching

My students think I am many things; a jack of all trades. This week, I am a wizard. Last week, I was a giant green dragon. Next week, hopefully something in human form.

The wizard thing came about pretty naturally. To divide up the class, I decided to have students pick a card from a deck. When everyone was in their respective groups, I took one of the cards and made it vanish into thin air. Not believing one of their English teachers could actually do something cool, they asked to see it again. I performed the slight of hand a second time, and wowed their socks off. Note- although I do like magic tricks, most of these tricks and cards controls were used to cheat at poker. Who wants to play?

Naturally, they wanted to see some other tricks of the trade (pun intended), so I whipped out some pretty nifty card control stunts and impressed them. How did I do it? Not a single one could figure it out. Supernatural powers was the only logical solution. I showed them some cool bar tricks, that they can use when they are older, like vanishing a coin and stuff like that. I'll save the suckers' bets for the adults. When the break was over, and the cards had to go away, the students still wanted to play. So I said, "I have a game! It's called 52-Pick Up. Who wants to play?" Nearly all the hands went up.

I gathered them into a circle and told them that now that they were in the circle they had to play. They agreed. So I threw the cards on the floor and said, "OK, pick them up!" They raced to the floor and started collecting them. One by one, little lights started to turn on and I could here them say, "Oh, wait. 52 cards. 52 pick up. I'm just picking them up."

At which point they realized I had played a joke on them (I play a lot of jokes on them) and they handed me the cards before going back to their seats. Everyone seemed to get it, except one student, who handed me the cards and yelled, with a big grin on his face, "Again! Again! Let's play again." I'm sorry, if I had played again, that would have just been cruel.

Although, don't worry, they get me too. Addendum to the on-going egg joke from a previous post. Apparently, "egg" in Mandarin means balls (as in testicles). So when they got me to change the game of "Simon Says" to "Elephant Egg" says, little did I know that I was saying "Elephant balls" again and again and again. Sorry for the crudeness.

And last, about that dragon. Apparently, some of my students think that I have the same voice as a green dragon named Leo in one of our text books. They think he's inside of me, although I assure them that no, there is definitely no fictional green dragon named Leo hibernating in my innards.

So until next time, from you "I can dish it out but can't take it" jester and card jockey a la Taiwanese, Michael.

Tuesday, August 7, 2007

Bon Appetit

Tired of eating the same old thing again and again? Concerned that those Twinkies you're eating are made out of something that could withstand a nuclear blast? Dissatisfied with loads of dishes to wash? Try some of these tasty dishes I stumbled upon during my travels this past week.

If being at the top of the food chain excites you more than it should, might I suggest some snake? There are several options as to its preparation. If variety is the spice of life, then "hot" is the spice of snake. (Does that even make any sense?) To send your tongue salsa dancing south of the equator, I suggest a healthy dosage of "Fire Snake." Fried up bits of snake encased in dozens of spices and sauce is cut up into tiny pieces, perfect for the chopstick loving individual. Spices not your thing? Want to stay a bit more American? Then why not try "Barbecued Snake"? With the meat still encased on the ribs, this slab of snake is barbecued on the grill before smothered in finger lickin' good BBQ sauce. Snake goes best with a great bottle of Taiwan beer. Located in the heart of snake alley, this destination is the perfect location for a first date.

Want to brave the ocean air? Mist in the face? Wind in the hair? Then take a short bus ride over to Keelung and there you can find their famous Boiled Squid Soup. I was lucky enough to have a couple next to me at a restaurant to recommend the soup. Being one for good dining suggestions, I ordered it. Sure it smelled a bit fishy, and of course it had white stuff in it that looked like fish, but oh no, it's not fish. When the boiled purple tentacles are swishing their way down the back of your throat, you know for sure this can't be anything else but good old squid.

Want to head back to land? All right. This last one is sure to get your mouth watering or I'm not a food critic. In Taipei, in the heart of Gonguan Night Market, a street vendor comes out to sell his foods. Innocent looking of course, since it has the symbol for rice on it. But alas, there is no rice to be seen (or what one considers rice normally looks like). Rather, this man takes out a black chunk of something on a stick, dips it in sauce, crunched peanuts, and dashes a bit of cilantro over the top. When you bite in, its delicious flavor deceives you and you nearly forget your eating a rice cake soaked in pig's blood. Yummy!

So next time the gang's all here, remember there are some alternative cooking ideas out there that will have your guests talking for months on end. So until next time, from your stomach torturing, tongue tasting culinaire magnifique of the fine Bistros in Taipei, Michael.

Sunday, August 5, 2007

Exporting America

Well, I have started; I officially have my first class of young Taiwanese students all to myself. I finally get to say all those things I have ever wanted to say like, "The bell doesn't excuse you, I excuse you," and "Johnny, please stop eating the paste," and "This is not a democracy people, I am the teacher." Such joy this power brings to me.

I am working in a neighborhood called Dong Hu, which is in the ritzy, northern section of Taipei. Instead of a McDonald's, they have a McCafe that serves gourmet sandwiches and caffe lattes. I think that level of pretentiousness indicates what kind of place this is, and how well I fit in. The school itself is called Dong Hu school. The name is not remarkably creative, but then again, the Taiwanese were never known for their creativity. For instance, their national beer is called "Taiwan Beer". I would like to have been in the room with the clever chaps who thought up that name.

My first day was a delight. I began with a private lesson with a student named Richard who is beyond brilliant. His English is marvelous and his attitude- remarkable. He is a delight to teach. I then teach a two hour advanced reading class in the afternoon. For some reason, these students think "eggs" are really funny, so I try to incorporate eggs into every class. Sometimes I laugh along with them, but most of the time I am laughing at them.

New topic, slightly linked: the receptionists are hitting on me. After my first day of work, I went down to the front desk where another teacher was talking to the receptionists. When I arrived, one of the receptionists turned to me and inquired, "May I ask you a personal question?"

"Well, that depends on how personal," I replied.

"Do you have a girlfriend? Because he (she points to the other teacher) thinks he is the only guy here who doesn't have a girlfriend." Oh, that was really smooth. But I played along, and told them that no, I didn't have a girlfriend. "Oh good," she said,"umm, for him. Good for him so that he knows he isn't the only one without a girlfriend. That is, if you are telling the truth." I assured them it was, and with that, I left with my TA who gave me a scooter ride home.

Saying what is on their mind seems to be a cultural phenomenon with which the Taiwanese are comfortable. For instance, I had to cover a teacher at the school at which I had training. When I arrived, I saw one of the TA's I met during training and had befriended. We were in the middle of catching up about my last month's adventures when, suddenly, she remarked, "Wow, you lost a lot of weight."

"Oh, um thank you." I answered.

"No really, I mean when you first got here, you were a lot bigger, now you are much much thinner."

"Well, I did just join a gym this week..."

"No, you lost more than someone can lose in a week, I mean you got much thinner." She said.

"Umm, well, I walk a lot of places, and usually get lost, and then walk some more..."

"No, I mean you were like a balloon and now you're all deflated!"

"Ok, I get it!" I said, "I was fat! I'm not fat anymore! Deflated balloon, thin, right, got it!"

God bless the Taiwanese. But I can't blame her, because she is a great person and a great friend, and those conversations make this whole experience worth it!

Teaching is a wonderful and noble profession. Although I am exhausted by the end of the day, I fall asleep with the satisfaction and gratitude that I am affecting positive and creative change in this world. Knowing that I am imparting life-long skills that will help these young tykes succeed in life reaffirms my purpose on this island. So apart from the exotic island adventures and wild nights in the city, I am reminded daily in the classroom that I am doing the right thing in the right place. And, not for nothing, I also look at this experience as an insurance policy against a midlife crisis. No regrets here.

So until next time, from your scholarly academic and highly regarded professor of English in and around the classrooms of Dong Hu, Michael.

Thursday, July 26, 2007

An Aesthetic Kind of Life


In Taiwan, most of the time when you are walking down the road, you start humming the Indiana Jones theme song to yourself. You don't mean to do it, but for some reason, you just become him. Each turn is a new adventure, each crossroad determines your destiny, every step could be your last. And as any Indy enthusiast would do in my position, I took off to locate the hidden temples in Taiwan.

My first stop was the Shandao Temple. This looked like a big financial building, so I got back on the subway and continued on.

The next temple on my list was the Confucius Temple. Weary of booby traps and snakes, I cautiously proceeded into the temple. (Man do I hate snakes. I mean Indiana Jones. Indiana Jones hates snakes.) I turned the first corner careful not to step into the light (because every good archaeologist knows that rays of light are extremely dangerous), and came across a sign that said "Office and Souvenir Shop." Hardly! I am sure the Nazis were probably hiding out in there, preying on unsuspecting archaeologists like myself.

I eventually entered into the main temple area, virtually unscathed. Some locals were already inside perhaps doing some sacrificial rite? It was an odd ritual for they were sitting at a table drinking a hot beverage. Probably the blood of their previous sacrifice. I hid in the corner so I would not be detected. As these locals began to come and go, I made my way around to the front of the shrine (of the silver monkey, for all you legends fans out there), and peered inside. Beautiful architecture lined the walls of this magnificent temple. It had an octagonal ceiling and bats were painted at each corner to symbolize good luck. Gold encased much of the ornamentation and a thick incense burned within the shrine. And lo and behold!, there in the center of this precious temple were beautiful treasures dedicated to the ancient sage himself. "Those belong in a museum!" I thought to myself. But unfortunately, there was a do not enter sign and an easily overcommable fence blocking the way. Drat, my plans were foiled once again! But my troubles had only begun to materials for I had been spotted by the locals. They began speaking but their tongue was alien to me. Suddenly drums began to bang and giant stone boulder came rolling straight for me. I booked it to the exit and leaped for safety. Somehow the boulder disappeared and I escaped with my life, just barely.

The third temple at which I arrived at wall the Padao Temple and was across the street from the Confucius temple.
This temple had even more flowery ornamentation and the most beautiful architecture imaginable. No close encounters here, thankfully.

Speaking of Museums, Taiwan boasts the worlds largest collection of Chinese artwork. At the National Palace Museum, the collection is so vast that it would take twelve years for them to rotate through every piece of artwork they have. As an archaeologist, I thought I would find more artifact enthusiasts at this National Palace, so I went to take a look. And it's a good thing I did, too, because this museum was beyond words. I took a 1.5 hour guided tour around the museum and saw everything from priceless jade jewelry dating back to the neolithic era, to astounding porcelain vases and carvings from all throughout China's long history. Some carvings were so intricate and detailed, your mouth literally dropped. One artist fashioned a boat scene with eight men on board out of an olive pit while another carved his ivory "lunch box" so thinly it resembled lace. In my estimation, there is no finer collection of fine arts in the world. Perhaps, now, I can retire. And so I shall. From your whip crackin' danger seeking Indian Jones wanna-be from the subtropical island in the pacific, Michael.