Murphey's Law

Murphey's Law states that whatever can go wrong will go wrong. This weekend served that mantra perfectly, but still resulted in an excellent time had by all. The ride was to be my first of two major bike trips around Taiwan- our goal was to leave Taipei on Friday afternoon and drive down to Taichung, cross over the island on the cross island highway and then back up to Taipei from Hualien. An ambitious plan to say the least even for two experienced motorcyclists like Steve and me.

Steve got out of work early on Friday and I had the day off, so our plan was to get out of Taipei by 3.30pm and down to Taichung by nightfall. I showed up at Steve's apartment with all my gear ready to go. Steve just returned from a two week holiday from the UK so he hadn't touched his bike in sometime. As a result, the battery was dead and, being the only bike in existence not to have a kick start, required me to push him down the road while he popped the clutch in first gear getting the bike to start. It worked well on the first go and we were off.

Shortly into the bike ride, Steve pulled over and I followed suit. He showed me that the brake handle on his bike was broken and that he needed to get it repaired before we left. I agreed with him and told him we needed to get gas ASAP as my bike was on empty. There was a station en route to our local mechanic and we stopped in. I topped off and then took off only to notice Steve was not with me. He turned off his bike, as he should have, when he got gas but couldn't get it started again. I got behind him and must have pushed it ten times and still no luck. We pushed the bike over to a mechanic's shop across the street from the gas station and asked him for a jump start. That's when Sherlocke here (Steve) noticed that the bike wasn't actually turned on. I almost killed him considering how many times I pushed that damn bike in the summer heat. Well, as luck would have it, we pushed the bike, got it going, and off to our mechanic's we went.

We got to the mechanics and, while the handle was broken, it was not crucial to fix it right away. Instead, the mechanic suggested we replace his brake fluid to ensure its proper use. He told us it would be about 30 minutes to change it, so we went to a local canteen and grabbed some fried rice while we waited. When we got back, Sherman (our long lost friend who went to China) made a surprise return. We chatted graciously and happily and, being almost 6pm, we informed him we were driving down to Taichung that night and had to get going.

Driving through Taipei took the most time, but once we got on route 3 proper, we were in open stretches 0f untamed, uninterrupted road. It turned dark quickly, but the warm summer night and the wind against our faces left us with a spirited heart and an bounce in our drive.

We decided to stop off in Fongyuan instead of Taichung because it was more conducive to our route. After checking into a hotel, we went out to a local bar called the Office for a few drinks. Just as we sat down to order our drinks, I received a phone call from a teacher that just arrived saying that the school was not at the aiport to pick him up. I talked him through what to do and the crisis was averted. I returned to my seat to see Steve chatting up a waitress who seemed very interested in him.

Before I had time to say something to ruin all his chances, I received another phone call from another teacher saying that her visa was denied and she was due to get on a plane that same day. I spent about an hour on the phone with various people at twelve o'clock at night trying to sort out her situation. Fortunately, it all came together and we got her to Taiwan without issue. Meanwhile, I finally returned back to Steve (who was on his third beer by now while I had hardly even touched mine) and with some more flirting we retired for the evening.

We woke up early the following morning for a long day of driving ahead of us. We hopped on our bikes and took off for the Cross Central Highway. The sky was clear, the road was pleasant, and nothing stood in our way between us and Hualien. Nothing, that is, except maybe a massive landslide wiping out the entire road. After about an hour into our ride, there was a checkpost and police blocking the road. They informed us that a large landslide had taken out a massive section of the road and that there was no way around it. If we wanted to get to Hualien, we had to find another way.

This was a major blow to our plan. We were hoping to get into Hualien around 5.30pm at the latest but with the detour, we were looking at 9.30pm at the earliest. We had to return back toward Fongyuan and then down top Puli in the central part of Taiwan, which is only moments away from Sun Moon Lake.

After Puli, we drove up north along route fourteen which is, by far, the most bizzare road I have ever seen in Taiwan. Basically, this road travels through a re-creation of European castles in the middle of a farmland. These castles are enormous and are straight out of Bavaria. The road continues on for a bit of time and stretches up to become Taiwan's highest road at 3,225 meters high.

The view at the top was simply outstanding and bordered on the verge of phenomenal. During the winter, you can take this route most of the way and admire the snow capped peaks of the central cordillera.

I also learned something about motorcycles up here. Basically, motorbikes, as with most engines, have carburators that mix the gasoline with the oxygen to form the combustion. At high altitudes, there is less oxygen and this can affect the torque of some bikes. Unfortunately, my bike happened to be one of those bikes and the ensuing drive became an absolute sluggish nightmare. Anything about 2,500 meters, apparently, really affects my motorbike.

Fortunately, after the highest road in Taiwan, it's all downhill so the momentum helps out tremendously. We reached Taroko Gorge National Park at nightfall and I have to say it's crazy creepy driving through the gorge in the pitch black. It's borderline insane when it's raining, as it started to do as we emerged from the first elongated tunnel. But once we were out of the gorge, it was a straight, dry shot to Hualien where we arrived and found a nice clean place for a real bargain.

Steve and I then got ready for one of the best nights out I have ever had in Taiwan. We began with a visit to my favorite pub in Hualien that has a quaint little outdoor bar to it. When the outdoor part closed off and we had to move inside, we decided to move the party out to another location.

As we left the bar, we noticed some flashing lights and decided to check it out. It was a bit of a night club (albeit a small one) with a police car stationed outside. We decided this is where the party HAD to be, so we made a note to return back here later.

We checked out this old fashioned Karaoke pub that had live karaoke. One of the waitresses came over and chatted with us for a little bit. She urged one of us to go up and sing, but I informed her the only song I knew in Chinese was Zhir Yo, and that I know minimally at best. That was a mistake because my song came up next and before I knew it, I was singing a Chinese Karaoke pop song in a real local bar with a bunch of Taiwanese. It was pretty well received, none the less, as the crowd even joined along singing with me.

Steve and I then decided to check the club that was being busted by the police earlier. We showed up and the police were gone. We paid our entry and went into the bar. We sat down next to this Taiwanese guy who took an immediate interest in two foreign guys sitting next to him. I used my Chinese and we hit it off right away. Before I knew it, he was ordering us shots of tequila, which I hate, and we sat there and toasted to him.

Before long, it became quite apparent why this place was broken up earlier by the cops. It included a PG-13 strip show which is a serious deal in Taiwan! Essentially, a girl went to the middle of the dance floor in a sexy bathing suit and danced. Once she pulled me up to dance with her for a bit and feeling the groove I enduldged her for about five seconds before I returned to my seat. It was a good thing too because then they got this other guy on stage and stripped him down to his underwear. (Apparently it was his birthday and the dancer was a friend of his so it was all in good fun).

I have actually seen these shows at other places in Taiwan and believe it or not, they are actually family appropriate. They are in restaurants all over the island and I would not mind bringing my mother to them. However, seeing as this was in a club, it was probably a bit more risque than most others.

We hung out there for a while and I met the birthday boy in the bathroom. We talked for a bit and asked him where else we could go to continue the night. By now, it was about 1am and this place was thinning out. He directed Steve and me to a local night club called Queency and a short taxi drive later, we were there.

When we walked in, we were treated like kings. A group of friends immediately came over to me and wisked me away to their private booth. There they gave me free whiskey and beer to celebrate the evening. Some great songs came on and suddenly we were on the dance floor leading charge. It was as if a hollywood movie star just walked in and were given the royal treatment.

By the time we emerged from the club, it was very early in the morning and the sun was in full shine. Steve and I looked at each other and we both agreed that we were going to have to take the late checkout. We returned back to our rooms and passed out for the evening. We woke up at 2pm and checked out. We went for breakfast at this small little waffle shop to get some food and assess our hangovers. My head and stomache were functioning at about 80% which was pretty good but the truth is I was incredibly exhausted. I made the decision that I was in no condition to make the motorcycle trip back to Taipei.

Steve, tired as well, decided he would make the trip back that day. I took the train and returned back to Taipei in a sweet, sleepy haze. A week later, I returned back to Hualien by train and met my friend Brian. The two of us hopped on our bikes and made the awesome ride along the coastal route back up to Taipei in record time. Before long, we were back in Taipei sipping on tea and chewing on dumplings.

From your Murphey's Law Enforcement, Michael.