Who puts the "Confuse" in "Confu(se)cius"?

When one decides to move to the big city in search of adventure or work, it may be sage advice to decide on a city which speaks your native language. It goes without saying that I am an American living in Taipei, Taiwan teaching English for one year. I don't know a Mandarin Orange from the Mandarin word for orange, nor do I know a pet shop from a low brow dining establishment (I can thank Snake Alley for that). Some things should not be eaten, and I suppose I should let that tasty bit of dining trivia be left for a later entry.

In coming to Taiwan, my flight was fairly enjoyable. Little problems arose until we flew over Tokyo and experienced some Godzilla related turbulence. Our pilot informed us that after about an hour he would tire himself out and we would arrive safely in Taipei as scheduled. A stroke of luck came, however, when Mothray arrived freeing us from Godzilla's strong hold. The rest of our flight was uninterrupted.

Travelling from the airport to Taipei was fairly typical. Enormous green dragons were advancing on the airport, but luckily we were all armed with the Green Sword of Destiny from "Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon", given to us at customs of course, and we fought with honor and for our ancestors. When the dragons were slayed, I found my driver and he brought me to the car. Good God, the man was driving a Mercedes! That's right, I got into a black Mercedes with tinted windows with a man I did not know and who did not speak English. This had Chinese Mafia written all over it. But my ancestors were proud of the dragon slaying I accomplished, so they protected me during my drive into the city. I arrived at my hotel, called the Love Hotel (now I wished I packed my blacklight scanner!), slept for two hours, then hit the bars.

My first day in Taipei began with a hunt for lunch. Armed with my trusty Lonely Planet guidbook, I took off for the streets. My first attempt at searching for a favorite restaurant ended in sorrow when I arrived and found the place closed. I think this was actually in my favor because in the front window of the restaurant was an oversized portrait of President George Bush Sr. I quickly took off.

I moved on to the next selection, an Italian joint, only to discover the kitchen was closed. I had gone for many moons (well, maybe one moon) without any food. I had to resort to my worst nightmare- the golden arches of McDonalds. Not speaking chinese, I looked at the all-chinese menu and held up four fingers indicating I would like meal number four. The young lady with whom I spoke became all flustered and started rambling in Chinese. Understanding that I did not speak Chinese, she found a friend who spoke, at best, broken English. He informed me that the machine to make number four was broken, but I could have a big mac instead. I politely said that would be fine. Instead of scurrying to get my order, the two workers stood there and smiled at me. I smiled back. For about a minute and a half. Awkwardly. Realizing they were not getting my order, I nodded politely and backed out of McDonalds dejected, defeated, and starving.

Dear readers, please know I was saved that day by an old woman on a corner. Wearing a surgical mask, either for the pollution or paranoia, she finally fed me. I paid her my $29NT and walked away happily with my first edible purchase in Taiwan- a corn dog.

My search for dinner proved more successful that evening when I dined at a fabulous Chinese restaurant, had great steamed vegetable dumplings and delicious white tea. I finished the evening off with a mango milkshake from one of Taipei's famed "night markets." Friends, it is a different world over here, full of new experiences and vibrant energy. I will soon embark on my next great adventure- finding an appartment, and once I do I invite all of you to stay with me and enjoy the fine Taiwanese hospitality. This may prove to be much more difficult than finding food, but I will manage. Until next time, your comically tragic and heroically idiodic expat from the far east, Michael.