Thursday, July 26, 2007

An Aesthetic Kind of Life


In Taiwan, most of the time when you are walking down the road, you start humming the Indiana Jones theme song to yourself. You don't mean to do it, but for some reason, you just become him. Each turn is a new adventure, each crossroad determines your destiny, every step could be your last. And as any Indy enthusiast would do in my position, I took off to locate the hidden temples in Taiwan.

My first stop was the Shandao Temple. This looked like a big financial building, so I got back on the subway and continued on.

The next temple on my list was the Confucius Temple. Weary of booby traps and snakes, I cautiously proceeded into the temple. (Man do I hate snakes. I mean Indiana Jones. Indiana Jones hates snakes.) I turned the first corner careful not to step into the light (because every good archaeologist knows that rays of light are extremely dangerous), and came across a sign that said "Office and Souvenir Shop." Hardly! I am sure the Nazis were probably hiding out in there, preying on unsuspecting archaeologists like myself.

I eventually entered into the main temple area, virtually unscathed. Some locals were already inside perhaps doing some sacrificial rite? It was an odd ritual for they were sitting at a table drinking a hot beverage. Probably the blood of their previous sacrifice. I hid in the corner so I would not be detected. As these locals began to come and go, I made my way around to the front of the shrine (of the silver monkey, for all you legends fans out there), and peered inside. Beautiful architecture lined the walls of this magnificent temple. It had an octagonal ceiling and bats were painted at each corner to symbolize good luck. Gold encased much of the ornamentation and a thick incense burned within the shrine. And lo and behold!, there in the center of this precious temple were beautiful treasures dedicated to the ancient sage himself. "Those belong in a museum!" I thought to myself. But unfortunately, there was a do not enter sign and an easily overcommable fence blocking the way. Drat, my plans were foiled once again! But my troubles had only begun to materials for I had been spotted by the locals. They began speaking but their tongue was alien to me. Suddenly drums began to bang and giant stone boulder came rolling straight for me. I booked it to the exit and leaped for safety. Somehow the boulder disappeared and I escaped with my life, just barely.

The third temple at which I arrived at wall the Padao Temple and was across the street from the Confucius temple.
This temple had even more flowery ornamentation and the most beautiful architecture imaginable. No close encounters here, thankfully.

Speaking of Museums, Taiwan boasts the worlds largest collection of Chinese artwork. At the National Palace Museum, the collection is so vast that it would take twelve years for them to rotate through every piece of artwork they have. As an archaeologist, I thought I would find more artifact enthusiasts at this National Palace, so I went to take a look. And it's a good thing I did, too, because this museum was beyond words. I took a 1.5 hour guided tour around the museum and saw everything from priceless jade jewelry dating back to the neolithic era, to astounding porcelain vases and carvings from all throughout China's long history. Some carvings were so intricate and detailed, your mouth literally dropped. One artist fashioned a boat scene with eight men on board out of an olive pit while another carved his ivory "lunch box" so thinly it resembled lace. In my estimation, there is no finer collection of fine arts in the world. Perhaps, now, I can retire. And so I shall. From your whip crackin' danger seeking Indian Jones wanna-be from the subtropical island in the pacific, Michael.

Sunday, July 22, 2007

Here Comes the Sun, doo doo doo doo



This shall be a weekend for the record books. My Friday evening started with a dinner in Snake Alley- barbecued Indian corn covered in Taiwanese spice and sauce. I watered it down with a watermelon smoothie and decided on the waffle cake with custard for dessert. Truly typical Taiwanese delicacies, if you ask me. And with a short stop at a Buddhists temple to say my prayers, I was off for a night of drinks with my co-workers. For the G-rated readers of the night, I believe the following formula will suffice... Absinthe + A Scotsman= A very good night.

Saturday was brutally hot. Imagine living in a sauna that has a bonfire glowing in the center, steam is pouring in from every crevice and the whole apparatus is located in the center of the earth. If you can wrap your minds around this concept, then perhaps, just perhaps, you might come to understand the climate of Taiwan. This did not dissuade me, however, and I took off for a very special adventure. If you take the brown line to the Taipei Zoo stop, you will come across the Maokong Gondola. This Gondola will take you to the top of a mountain that offers exquisite panoramic views of Taipei.

I arrived at the Gondola platform delighted to see no queue. I walked right up to the entrance and was escorted over to the next available Gondola. With one other family, whom I did not know, I entered the Gondola to find it wasn't air conditioned! Ladies and Gentleman, this was a fifteen minute ride of excruciating pain inside a Gondola, no, an oven going up a mountain side. What torture it provided, and the only relief occured about half-way through when the doors opened temporarily at an "in between station" and and a portable, upright fan waved cool air on you for a matter of five seconds. Thanks Maokong Gondola staff!!

Naturally, you were drenched in a pile of your own sweatby the time your arrived to the top of the mountain. With a slight breeze coming through, I took off to take in the sights. A few restaurants lined the road, but I instead found an old cement staircase leading off into the jungle. Curious to see what was at the top of the staircase, I began to climb. And climb. And climb and climb and climb. Trading off between burning hot meadows and slightly more tolerable thickets of jungle fever, I reached a dazzling sight. Rather, I should say, a dazzling sound-running water!! But where? Finally I turned a corner and saw, at the top of a steep incline, a natural spring. And there, to my horror and dismay, it was caged off, collected, and then sent along hoses down the mountain as drinking water. Curses, foiled again.

No longer able to bear the heat, I returned to the platform of civilization (term employed loosely), bought some lunch and several bottles of water before I braced the trenches of the Gondola which was sure to make an oven baked souffle of me. The ride down was better. Not for the heat, but instead, I met a woman named Rose. Originally from Thailand, she had been living with her sister, Amy, in Taipei for the past 20 years. Her English was impeccable. And after some short conversation, including a bit of my broken Chinese phrases (I am very good at "long time no see") she gave me her card and offered me free Chinese lessons. Haha, what a way to pick up an American. However, her kindness puts her in the list of "good Taiwanese strangers", placing her in good company with the likes of Tony.

Saturday night was a blast. I met my co-workers and we went out for pizza (we were craving it all week), then went to one of their apartments before heading out to a club. Late at night, or better yet, early in the morning, I decided I was tired and walked a friend home. On the way to their apartment, however, we lost our way. After some street searching, and also some soul searching, we found the place. With her safe inside, I took off to hail a cab. Once I succeed, I realized I didn't know how to say where I wanted to go. Dammit! So, I said all I could think of, "Technology Building on the Muzha Line." Hopefully, one of the drivers would understand my plea for help.

Luckily, one did. He nodded and we took off. My confidence was shaken when he dialed his phone, spoke some Chinese, and then handed the phone to me. I asked, "Hello?"

"Where are you going?" came the voice on the other line. I told her the same thing I told the driver and she seemed satisfied. I handed the phone back to the driver and he spoke to this mystery woman. Hanging up the phone, I wasn't so sure anymore we were going the right way. The drive also seemed a bit too long. But even if we were going the wrong way (and we were), I wouldn't have a clue as how to stop the driver and ask to turn around. We drove on into the night.

My fears were summed up when, in front of me, was the Maokong Gondola again. About ready to scream in fright, the man turned around and said, "Here?" He brought me to the end of the Muzha line, very very far away from my home. Practically to Guam. I shook my head and we found a person on the side of the road who spoke a little more English. I was able to get across to this new character in the farce that I wanted the Technology Building. The kind man told the taxi driver how to get to the place and we were off. Friends, I don't know how far we went in terms of distance, but in order to get back to Taipei we had to take the freeway. Eventually, we made it back. I paid my cab fair, which was more expensive than I wish to tell, and as I walked home to my apartment, I was greeted by a nice Taiwanese sunrise.

Sunday was perhaps the best day I have spent in Taiwan. Claire, my aunt from Taichung, Taiwan, and her brother Paul (who now lives in Seattle, but was visiting her sister) met me and she showed me around the city. We went to a place called New York, New York that is right outside Taipei 101 (the world's largest building). At New York, New York, there are giant movie theaters, seven story high book stores, more food courts than you could count, shopping centers with designer only stores, business offices, concerts, and more more more! I was enormously overwhelmed. Afterwards, we took a bus to get some dinner at her favorite noodle store. Noodles are my favorite. She also bought some spring rolls and tofu. I take back every bad thing I said about tofu- it was delicious.

Afterwards, we went to a small night market and bought some of these delicious red beans served over cream and ice shavings. I am telling you, this could take off in the states. Afterwards, she showed me some places where I could get real authentic Taiwanese food, like these milkshake drinks, rice cooked in pig's blood (which I am dieing to try), and my favorite, "stinky tofu." Yes, it's stinky. Afterwards, we said goodbye and I returned home on a high from the finest day yet I have had in Taiwan.

In the days to come, I have some exciting adventures planned, from playing on a football (soccer) team to taking off to see Taiwan's magnificent natural splendors. So until next time, from your overheated and delightfully adventurous shrivelled sun raisin in Dante's Inferno, Michael.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Bugs on the Teeth


I almost died last night. But in a good way.

After a late night of teaching observation, I decided to reward myself with some of Taipei's more famed steamed dumplings. I returned to the restaurant at which I dined my first evening and let my teeth sink into the delicious sin. It was the only tasty morsel my mouth would be privy to that evening.

Outside it occured to me that I was nearly 30 minutes from the closest MRT station. Determined there was a more convenient route home, I took out my map and began to orient myself in the labyrinth of chinese characters. Basically, I was lost. Fantastic.

Standing there, the only Caucasian for about 3,000 miles, holding a map in a night market seemed to scream "mug me." It was not long before a Taiwanese man approached me and offered to help me find my way. With one hand on my wallet and camera, I began to talk with this man. His name was Tony and he spoke a little English. After I explained where I wanted to go, he thought for a moment and said, "come with me, I will carry you there." He had to think of the word "carry", so I automatically assumed he meant that I should follow him there. Cautiously, I proceeded.

The walk was fine until we turned down an alley. Now my gaurd was up. Luckily, there were still a fair number of people around, so I just placed the situation at "orange" according to the Department of Homeland Security's threat level. Tony stopped and said, "wait here." I waited. He went into a door.

A few moments later, and my hand still wrapped around my wallet, Tony came back out with two helmuts and told me to follow him. We proceeded to his scooter where he handed me the spare head gare and told me to hop on.

A little on the scooters in Taipei: there are three scooters for every person in the city. On any given day, there are thousands of these wizzing down every street disobeying all traffic laws put in place. Green means "go fast". Red means "go faster". Driving on sidewalks are permissible. And I am pretty sure that they are ultimately aiming for pedestrians. And why not? More driving room.

Now that you have a fair sense of how these vehicles from hell operate, you can understand the flutter in my heart and dread in my soul when Tony told me to hold on tight. And tight I did. That man was wizzing and whipping around turns and on sidewalks and in between trucks. I have never said so many Hail Marys in my entire life! But for all the danger and life threateningly close attempts to hit other cars, I was smiling and laughing all the way. What a rush and how much fun my first Asian scooter ride was. Tony, a great guy, brought me all the way to my apartment where I thanked him profusely for his absolute kindess.

Tony drove off into the distance while I walk home silently, thinking about the times I almost died and the genuine Taiwanese hospitality I just experienced.

From your life threatening, dare deviling Evel Knieval of the far East, Michael.

Sunday, July 15, 2007

A Few Suggestions of the Enticing Sort

I have survived and, perhaps, enjoyed my first week in Taiwan. On second thought, strike the perhaps and replace it with a certainly. I have certainly enjoyed my first week in Taiwan. The apartment hunt proved to be strait forward and simple and by Tuesday I will be living with an Australian and a Canadian in the heart of Taipei. I smell a sitcom!

I have invited many of you to visit me here and to those who have not received an invitation, there was probably a reason for that. However, if in your case it was merely a simple mistake, I offer you an invitation to visit me in this fair city. However, I must warn you the life here is far different from the American life you are undoubtedly use to. Therefore, I will provide you with this list of simple observations, consisting of nine components to be precise, that I have made about Taipei. I hope these idiosyncrasies will guide you in deciding on whether or not to make the 20 hour plane ride to visit me.

  • Hold on to your receipts in Taiwan! For each purchase you make, you are given a receipt that doubles as a lottery ticket. You can win up to NT$2,000,000 or US$60,000! Ingenious!
  • In Taiwan, I am finally tall.
  • When you ask a question in English and someone answers "yes", don't automatically assume they understood what you said.
  • In Taiwan, Chinese Checkers is just called Checkers.
  • Is there anything more distressing than a foreign toilet? For the most part, Taiwan's restrooms are up to modern standards, beating out those plumbing affronts to God in France and Italy. Two points of interest on this subject. 1) Watch out for toilets predating 1990. These are called squatters. Although I have never seen one, I am told your back is to the door and its name will suffice as to the mechanics of how it works. 2) Toilet paper is not to be flushed away, but instead to be disposed of in a rubbish bin next to the toilet. It is because of this fact that I try to hold it for as long as possible.
  • 7/11 and Air conditioning are ways of life.
  • If you don't ask what you're eating, whole new food possibilities open up!
  • A 22 year old and a 37 year old look exactly the same age- 18 years old. Whoops! Funny story...
  • If you take the red line to the very last stop, outside of the city and along the north coast, down a side street and along a pier, then even there you will find a Dunkin' Donuts!

The city is phenomenal and all that jazz, but you didn't sign online to hear me praise the city. For now, all that will suffice is for you to know that I am happy and working my tail off during training. In the coming weeks, I will begin teaching my first class and their minds will be mine for the moulding. Excellent. I am thinking of making a list of English names for them to choose from consisting of outrageous suggestions. Some ideas: Gwenytrude, Theophilus Parsons, Mike Rotch, Abraham Linconlogs, Elvis, and Paris Hilton. If you have any ideas for the name list, please post a comment.

Oh, and apparently, Presidents enjoy eating at obscure restaurants in Taiwan. Today, I was at a fried ice cream stand and it had a big picture of Jimmy Carter on it.

Until next time, your diabolically scheming and tirelessly romantic traveller extraordinaire from the steaming island of Taiwan, Michael.

Monday, July 9, 2007

Who puts the "Confuse" in "Confu(se)cius"?

When one decides to move to the big city in search of adventure or work, it may be sage advice to decide on a city which speaks your native language. It goes without saying that I am an American living in Taipei, Taiwan teaching English for one year. I don't know a Mandarin Orange from the Mandarin word for orange, nor do I know a pet shop from a low brow dining establishment (I can thank Snake Alley for that). Some things should not be eaten, and I suppose I should let that tasty bit of dining trivia be left for a later entry.

In coming to Taiwan, my flight was fairly enjoyable. Little problems arose until we flew over Tokyo and experienced some Godzilla related turbulence. Our pilot informed us that after about an hour he would tire himself out and we would arrive safely in Taipei as scheduled. A stroke of luck came, however, when Mothray arrived freeing us from Godzilla's strong hold. The rest of our flight was uninterrupted.

Travelling from the airport to Taipei was fairly typical. Enormous green dragons were advancing on the airport, but luckily we were all armed with the Green Sword of Destiny from "Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon", given to us at customs of course, and we fought with honor and for our ancestors. When the dragons were slayed, I found my driver and he brought me to the car. Good God, the man was driving a Mercedes! That's right, I got into a black Mercedes with tinted windows with a man I did not know and who did not speak English. This had Chinese Mafia written all over it. But my ancestors were proud of the dragon slaying I accomplished, so they protected me during my drive into the city. I arrived at my hotel, called the Love Hotel (now I wished I packed my blacklight scanner!), slept for two hours, then hit the bars.

My first day in Taipei began with a hunt for lunch. Armed with my trusty Lonely Planet guidbook, I took off for the streets. My first attempt at searching for a favorite restaurant ended in sorrow when I arrived and found the place closed. I think this was actually in my favor because in the front window of the restaurant was an oversized portrait of President George Bush Sr. I quickly took off.

I moved on to the next selection, an Italian joint, only to discover the kitchen was closed. I had gone for many moons (well, maybe one moon) without any food. I had to resort to my worst nightmare- the golden arches of McDonalds. Not speaking chinese, I looked at the all-chinese menu and held up four fingers indicating I would like meal number four. The young lady with whom I spoke became all flustered and started rambling in Chinese. Understanding that I did not speak Chinese, she found a friend who spoke, at best, broken English. He informed me that the machine to make number four was broken, but I could have a big mac instead. I politely said that would be fine. Instead of scurrying to get my order, the two workers stood there and smiled at me. I smiled back. For about a minute and a half. Awkwardly. Realizing they were not getting my order, I nodded politely and backed out of McDonalds dejected, defeated, and starving.

Dear readers, please know I was saved that day by an old woman on a corner. Wearing a surgical mask, either for the pollution or paranoia, she finally fed me. I paid her my $29NT and walked away happily with my first edible purchase in Taiwan- a corn dog.

My search for dinner proved more successful that evening when I dined at a fabulous Chinese restaurant, had great steamed vegetable dumplings and delicious white tea. I finished the evening off with a mango milkshake from one of Taipei's famed "night markets." Friends, it is a different world over here, full of new experiences and vibrant energy. I will soon embark on my next great adventure- finding an appartment, and once I do I invite all of you to stay with me and enjoy the fine Taiwanese hospitality. This may prove to be much more difficult than finding food, but I will manage. Until next time, your comically tragic and heroically idiodic expat from the far east, Michael.